Hi sweet baby. Congratulations on your first ride around the sun. 365.25 days and what you've accomplished. I think if babies weren't everywhere, there would be more than merely astounded moms & dads. That we learn to breath, drink, poo, cry, laugh, eat, babble, recognize faces, smells, places, things, experience existential crises, roll, sit up, stand, balance, say first words, and walk-- from a tiny red ball with fingers and toes -- to an individual with wants and thoughts. In One year.
I hope you had a good first birthday. It's hard living away from family and friends to celebrate with us. But lots of family and close friends called to say they were thinking of you. On Sept. 16, 2012 we had a little party for you. Jackie from next door stopped by and gave you a dolly. Jessica, Paul, and Harrison came to play. You liked doing the parallel play thing. Your brother liked running around screaming and trying to eat ALL the brownies Jessica brought. I made you a blueberry, banana, and oatmeal cake. It was more like a healthy muffin, which is fine. I even used wheat flour and no sugar. But I owe you a decadent chocolate cake.
After your party, you played in the sandbox with Jonathan and got completely dirty. Then you and I came inside while the guys worked outside. We took a bath together. The water warmly comforted you; you were tired from all the excitement. You curled up on my tummy and placed your head over my heart. And I just held you and let you sleep on me with a wash cloth covering your side. I watched you breathe and tried very hard to memorize your baby face in the evening sunlight: the water on your cheeks, the red-pink sheen to your lips, the flicking of your eye lashes while you dreamed. We stayed that way together for about an hour. I felt it was some way of re-experiencing what it was like before you were born, when we were still one. This time with you near your first birthday was rewriting history for me. It was like giving birth to you again, in a peaceful, painless, happy moment. You woke up and just smiled in the little cocoon I made with my arms, and we breathed together. Over this year, I have felt some hints of regret when I think back to when you were first born because I didn't get to hold you for quite some time. It still bothers me a little. But something about it, in my imagination will now be replaced by the memory of us happy and warm, all snuggled up together in an intimacy that only finds life between a baby and mama.
I will always see you in that moment Alaura, even when the end will wash over me, I'll hold onto you and the good it was bringing you into this world.
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