It turns out, I might be a "fake" human being and WORSE, not a "real" American. I'm probably an elitist too, just to add injury to insult.
What, you may ask has brought on this existential crisis? Oh no! Further proof, I used the word "existential." I'm doomed.
Well, the numbers don't lie, and it seems I've wandered into an impossible quandary.
Take this equation provided on The Daily Show to prove if you're a real or fake American.
http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/index.jhtml?episodeId=188632 :
Population where you live x price of a cup of coffee + # of Art house theaters x Streets named after Martin Luther King, Jr.
_________Divide All of that by___________
Number of required IDs to buy Sudafed x people wearing trucker hats - actual # of truckers
x 1/ # of churches in your area (not counting synagogues) - # of bars.
If you get 10 or less, congratulations, you're still a real American. I however will never know because my figure is impossible to calculate.
Here is how it worked out:
Population of University City = 37,430 (and I should probably receive an immediate penalty for living in a place named "University City" made up of a majority of hippy-dippy professors and college students.
Coffee = I don't honestly know, but I looked up that a Starbucks plain coffee 12oz. in Minnesota is $2.25 and New York is $3.00, so I just went with $2.50. However, when I looked up my zip code on Starbucks' location finder it asked if I meant 63130 Missouri or 63130 France! That should be an immediate penalty also.
Art house theaters = well, one about 4 blocks away and two more within a quick drive that I can think of, so I'm going with 3.
Streets named after Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. = 1 street, 1 bridge, 1 auto repair, 1 academy, etc., but technically, only 1 street (that I know). However, the bridge was originally called "Veterans' Bridge" and renamed, so that counts as a whammy, score 2.
ID to buy sudafed= 1 state or federally issued ID and you have to sign a form, so just 1.
Trucker hats = none that I've seen.
Actual # of truckers = I'm guessing zero. (I don't really know, which may be another penalty).
Churches = U City lists 18 on their homepage. There are three within a block of where I live. But there's also the Scientology building, so that probably takes away at least 1 church, thus 17.
Number of Bars = I don't know. Let's guess 20, since there's usually more bars than churches.
All of that:
(37,430 x 2.50) + (3 x 2) = 93,581
_________________ _____
1 x (0 - 0) x 1/17-20 = 0
Sadly, division by zero is an operation for which you cannot find an answer.
So, basically, I'm doomed to never know if I'm a real American because I don't know any truckers. Although, odds are (and by every other standard mentioned), I would not be a "real" American.
11 comments:
I love it!!! I love that you actually were able to do the math that makes my brain hurt just looking at!!! As usual, you crack me up!!!
I'll try it too, but I need more brainpower.
Umm, are we getting more bible trivia? I tried to get Rebecca to steal me a hymnal today at the Catholic Church we were at for a funeral. Mr. DiMartino died this past weekend---he's my aunt's father; we went to his 99th birthday this past summer. I've been meaning to call you, but it has been hectic with a wedding one day and then a funeral the next. However, Rebecca failed miserably at thieving from the Catholics (not that they'll not just thorw it away at the end of the season). She did, however, manage to pass the communion onto Teddy, as I did to Lauren, so we did manage our bit of sacrilege for today!
Ha! I love it. Surely you could factor in your Golden Valley roots, though?
PS -- The good news for me is that I left fake America (Seattle--at least three art house theaters on my walk home) for real America (Spokane. we have one in town I think). So it was kind of an exodus, right?
OK-- only one more comment from Holly. I just opened up the lecture I'm giving tomorrow, and what is it but... "Who is an American?" (about culture wars of 1919 ish). Ha! I'm using this equation as my opener.
Okay, here goes, although I am also doomed, too.
Population of Chicago: 2,836,658
Cup of coffee: $2.75
Cinemas: 9 (yes 9!) and that's
only in the city; it doesn't count the suburbs!
Streets named after MLK: only one, King Drive. Though we do have Kennedy-King College and MLK High School to name a couple of other notables. Personally, I think they should eliminate Columbus Day as a national holiday and replace it with MLK day. Instead of yay genocide, how about yay peace? We also have Malcolm X College, too, and Emmett Till Road (He was from here before he was killed).
Number of IDs for sudafed: 1 (as far as I know)
People wearing trucker hats: None, as far as I can tell
Actual # of truckers: This is a hard one to answer. Yes, there are truckers. Do they actually live here? No. Do they pass through here? Definitely. Are there local truck drivers, like delivery trucks, yes, so I am going to say, like 100, to make it fair.
Number of churches in area: Literally hundreds, but I will say 100, to be safe.
Number of bars: again, hundres, but let's say 100 to be safe.
so my equation is:
2,836,658x3+9x1
----------------------
1 x (-100) x 1/100-100,
which runs into incalculable, like yours!
If you change the # of churches to be 500, which is actually probably more accurate, you get
2,836,658x3+9x1
----------------------
1 x (-100) x 1/500-100
Which computes to -34,039,932
Charming!
Holly, That's awesome you're going to use the equation as your opener. Let me know how it goes.
Wow, 3 art house theaters on the walk home, yes, that is not real America.
You bring up a good point about my Golden Valley roots. I have met many a trucker and seen hundreds of trucker hats. Perhaps the equation works best to simply tell you if you're currently living in real or fake America.
Catherine,
Yes, you too are DOOMED! Oh well, such nice people are not real Americans, makes it seem down-right cozy here in fake land.
I'm sorry to hear about Mr. DiMartino's passing away, but it seems he lived a very long life.
What are the rules about taking Communion?
P.S. My confession, I had to look up and clarify the order of operations because originally the equation didn't have parentheses.
:)
The priest announced beforehand that if you were not Catholic and/or not a "practicing" Catholic (i.e., if you haven't gone to Confession before Mass), then you could only have a blessing, and to indicate so by coming up and crossing your arms in front of you (kind-of like you were dead....) instead of holding out your hands one under the other for the communion. Lauren held out her hands anyway, but I didn't let her get one, mostly because if Teddy saw, he would have HOWLED!!! The priest was willing to give one to her, but I stopped him...he said, not yet, sweetie, but soon, soon. I just suppressed my laughter. I know, I'm evil, EVIL. I gave her half of mine, and as it turns out, Rebecca split hers with Teddy too. Teddy howled anyway, because, as he put it, he was hungry! Rebeccas tried to get Larry to go get one for him, but her refused. Communion is tasty, as you know!
Basically, there are about a million rules for communion, the big main one being that before you can get it to begin with, you have to go to a bunch of classes, either at religion class at Catholic school or at CCD (Central City Dump, as Michael puts it). It happens in about 2nd grade or so. At the end of the classes, you dress up in either a suit if you're a boy or a miniature wedding dress if you are a girl (complete with veil!), get a special prayer book and a rosary, go to a special mass, and make your First Communion. I think it's one of the sacraments, but communion itself might be the actual sacrament. If you miss out on it as a child, you can make up for it as an adult, but you don't get the pageantry of the miniature wedding dress. But you do have to go to the classes. The weird thing about the classes is that you 'practice' with unblessed communion before you actually get the real thing. The main thing I remember about communion class was the focus on the form rather than the meaning behind the sacrament. I mean, maybe we talked a little about the whole transubstantiation thing, but not really. We just mostly practiced how to march up, how to hold our hands, and how to cross ourselves. Oh and there's wine too. And they really do give 8 year olds real wine, by the way.
There are some examples of dresses here:
http://www.firstcommunions.com/
This nest one is especially creepy if you ask me:
http://www.littlegirldresses.com/white-communionflower-girl-dress-1498.html
Although I have to say that they have gotten a bit fancier since my say...well we just didn't have the whole floor-length thing, and we had to have long sleeves. I have pictures, somewhere.....
The whole thing is a little strange, if you ask me, since it really leaves out the religion in favor of the show. But then again, that's the Catholic church for you. You're supposed to find meaning in the (repetitive) ritual, not the other way around.
I ended up with 39 for my number, but I feel I must protest how high it is.
My town has nothing named after MLK and no art house theaters. (Heck, the only theater in town barely has first run movies.) Coffee yesterday was $1.50. There are seven bars and eighteen churches.
The problem is that we have little discernable trucking in the area. However, by far the biggest employer in the area is mining. Surely mining is a real American job.
Jon Stewart is a liberal media elite oppressing and mocking my heartland existence!!!
Lutheranchick, I see your point.
Hey, I think 39 is a very respectable, pro-American number.
Then again, that's coming from Ms. Incalculable Pants, so take it for what it's worth. :)
Post a Comment