Not knowing...

Tomorrow at this time we might know if we're having a boy or a girl! I'm nervous, but I'm not sure why. I think probably because it's been awhile since we've gone to the doctor, but also, there's something about knowing if baby is a boy or girl that both defines and limits my pregnancy. Without knowing, baby is both and neither, pure human potential. Once her/his sex is known, it will immediately change the way we think about him/her. I honestly don't have a preference; neither does J.D. We just want healthy and happy. But on some level, I'm apprehensive about knowing because part of my personality is very attracted to dwelling in possibility and uncertainty.

However, just because we don't "know," doesn't mean I haven't had certain feelings and thoughts. I guess I like being able to picture baby as either a girl or boy. In the distant past, I always thought it would be nice to have a first-born daughter. But since I've been pregnant, I've just "felt" on some level that this baby is a boy.

The night before I took my positive pregnancy test (yes, really the night before), I dreamed about holding a fussing baby boy. I kissed his face, and he gave me a beautiful little smile. The next morning I decided I would go ahead and use an extra test I had. Just a week before it had been negative. Logically, I thought this would be another waste of a test, but something just compelled me to do it, probably largely my dream.

Then sure enough, two lines. TWO lines!!! What?! I started giggling, and J.D. asked with a slightly concerned voice why I was laughing near maniacally. I was happy, surprised, and overwhelmed with the new potential in our lives.

We'll just have to wait and see. Tomorrow may bring home another level of our new reality.