"Gustav" -- Gustav. The rain is pouring. Outside our stairwell is a waterfall. Gustav started last night at 12:30. I couldn't sleep. Maybe last night was just a sleepless night for everyone. What sort of name is Gustav anyway? Here I've got to look it up. "Staff of the Goths" -- German. Yes, if by Goths we mean raindrops, then those Visigoths are busy sacking my home right now.
I'm really nervous. I'm almost bordering on panicked. I really don't know what I'm doing, and the clock is running. A school year may seem like a lot of time, but I know it will go by in a flash. Already the weather is turning cool. Soon the leaves will fall. Then it will snow. Then the snow will melt. Then the dogwood's will bloom. And before you blink, another year will have passed.
My life has been very slow and small these past few years, to the point I've felt claustrophobic. But the pressure of producing something so important and massive, something that taps into your brain and 30 years of whatever you've put in there... I can't think of anything else to describe it other than frightening. I guess we never know our future, but ours is really uncertain. We need to move. We need to find somewhere with jobs. We need to buy a house. It makes me queasy thinking of the equity we could have built. But all I feel is so much anxiety, I can't focus to write a word of what I need to.
Instead I sit here and listen to Gustav. On second thought, it is kind of a nice name for just the rain.
2 comments:
You will do it. You will. I know it--and you will find a job. I know you will--and it is because you have carefully planned this and made sure that you have a unique topic that covers a variety of timeframes and genres--and you have the women's studies and the teaching writing certificates.
Remember that it takes time...just don't despair. Today is a yucky day anyway. The squirrels are not even out and about.
Don't let anyone pressure you or scare you--it's not like you have this year and that's it. You will get it done...or at least the majority of it.
Even when I was pregnant with Olivia most weeks I took at least one day off because of things like doctors appointments, Lauren and Teddy, etc. It seems like a million years ago, but thanks to you here I am.
FYI it was Chaucer girl who finished. And look how long that took.
I wish I was there in person to give you a hug, go out for coffee or tea or that new Starbucks smoothie--it's actually pretty good and not that bad for you. I ordered Cold Comfort Farm on my netflix, too.
Man, I need to make a trip down to come and see you!
Thanks Catherine, it would be nice to just hang out. Hopefully soon.
And hey, if Chaucer Nepotism girl can finish...
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