Real Toads

Literary Gardens.

Imagine a serene garden. Picture the English hedges. See the tall daffodils. Indeed, there are always daffodils. Are they Wordsworth's? Actually he took them from Dorothy's description in her journal. Seeing them was her experience. He appropriated. Maybe they are the ones Plath planted. Perhaps they are really Lowell's Boston-variety, left as a mocking testament in "Patterns." Anyway, daffodils.

And then irises. Yes. Irises are Bishop's and Crusoe's. Remember the vibrant blue bugs-- wait, there were no irises, just slugs. The irises were Crusoe seeing things in a haze. Well, perhaps Merrill's irises in Sandover that echo Bishop? Oddly, in that moment Bishop has Crusoe think of Wordsworth.

Now imagine an angry Ezra Pound stalking through the garden slicing off the heads of the flowers. Mad Ezra among the irises. That's how Merrill describes Lowell's break with Pound.

Well, this isn't a very quiet garden after all.

Fragment

Night. The Empress sits alone, and the clock ticks, one after one. The clock nicks off the edges of her life. She is chipped like an old bit of china; she is frayed like a garment of last year's wearing. She is soft, crinkled, like a fading rose. And each minute flows by brushing against her, shearing off another and another petal. The Empress crushes her breasts with her hands and weeps. And the tall clouds sail over Malmaison like a procession of stately ships bound for the moon.

Marley

Loved...

1. Playing bathtub. Letting the trickle of water run down his head and pool at the bottom, while he drank and played in it.

2. Licking plastic. Any plastic! Window blinds, plastic bags from the grocery store, plastic wrappers off new items. He always got excited when I would rustle some plastic, and he'd come running to play with it. I always supervised him though. Although, a couple of nights J.D. and I were woken by the sound of Mars finding and licking some piece of plastic in the bedroom. He was very creative and good at finding the smallest piece.

3. Bug hunting. He was my little bug-hunter. I'd see a bug and call "Marley!" He'd chase it down. He liked to go bug hunting in the stairwell. He also liked climbing up the stairs with me to go investigate the neighbors.

4. Checking the mail. I'd open the door and take out the Baker-deadbolt (a butter knife wedged in between the door and frame). I'd jingle the keys, and Mars would be there to go with me. He liked scratching the heck out of the doormat and going down the stairs to look for bugs while I got the mail. He would sometimes just hang out there.

5. Looking out the window. Mostly in the computer room, when I would be in there doing work, he'd always come join me. He liked to lay on the daybed, so I'd raise the blinds and let him watch squirrels climbing up and down the tree.

6. Lying on my lap, with his head on my arm. Marley would curl up and let me hold him like a little baby. He'd rest his head on my arm and purr. I'd stroke his belly and face (he was the only cat J.D. has seen that liked his face pet). He died while I was holding him in this way.

7. Sleeping beside me. Marley and I first became friends on the bed, when Catherine and Liz brought me my angel. I took him some catnip and played with him. He purred and seemed to like me right away. The next six years we spent together were very special. Over the years he would jump up and lay beside me in the bed for 15-20 minutes before I feel asleep. I would pet him, and then, when I got tired, he would jump down and sleep on the floor or in his kitty-bed beside me. The night he died, I placed him in his kitty-bed and he slept beside me one last time.

8. Waking me up in the mornings. Mars went through several phases of this, each one a little different. At first, he was very polite and would wait until I was wide awake before jumping up beside me. During a middle phase, he took it upon himself to come lie by my head and purr, so that he helped me wake up. (He really loved his wet food breakfast). The last phase, he would watch for me to show any sign or sound that I was beginning to wake, then he'd come snuggle beside me and let me gradually wake up.

9. Running to his food. Mars was very cute when he ran. His little jelly rolls would swing in the air. I remember when my brother Chad saw Mars run, he laughed because Marley's belly swayed side-to-side. J.D. liked to tease Mars by saying he had "bosoms." Marley was so fun to pet and hug, and I loved seeing him run. Sometimes I'd just run to the kitchen and back with him, for both our exercise. He'd watch for the slightest movement or indication on my part that I was going to move in that direction.

10. Riding in the rolling chairs. Mars liked when I pushed him slowly around the apartment in the computer chairs. Once he wasn't feeling well, (he had eaten a red toy feather by accident) and I placed him in one of the chairs to pet him. Since then, the chairs meant comfort and safety, and he enjoyed sitting in one next to me while I worked at the computer. He'd even let me roll him around as I moved from room to room. I also let him scratch those chairs (although not when J.D. was looking). He liked ripping them up a bit, just to make them more cozy and homey.

11. Jumping up by the computer. There was a time when Marley loved to come see what I was typing all the time. He would jump up beside the keyboard and watch me type. Or, if I moved the mouse, he would watch and paw at the moving arrow on the screen. He had fun getting pets while I was trying to be busy. It comforts me now to think that I always gave him some pets and never yelled at him for just trying to help out.

12. Lying on books and papers. If there were any important papers or books open, Mars would be attracted to them first, above all else including pillows or blankets. Somehow whatever papers or books I was reading were the ones he wanted too.

13. Coming to greet us. When we'd get home from anything, Mars would come see us. When I came home from school I'd call for him, and he'd be there. I enjoyed walking in and saying, "Marley, we're home."

14. Hanging out on my scrapbook cases. He co-opted my bags as his official hang-out. He liked sitting there because he could see what was happening in multiple rooms. He kept an eye on us. He also liked the blanket I put there for him.

15. Enjoying a midnight snack. After tucking me in at night, Mars would go get a final bedtime snack. I could hear him open the bedroom door with his paw, walk to his food, and munch on his dry food. Then I'd hear his paws and nails clicking on the hardwood floor as he came back to bed.

16. Following me everywhere. He liked to be near me. I'd go into a different room, and he'd come along. If I went into the bathroom without him, he'd wait by the door and scratch under it or meow for me to let him in. He just wanted to be where I was.

17. Scratching everything but his litter. Marley had a really funny tick. He liked scratching the HECK out of his litter box, including the walls, the ceiling, and the surrounding area. He worked so hard and never quite managed to cover what he needed.

18. Eating his catnip. He especially loved fresh catnip, before it had been opened. He would smell it and eagerly await the first taste. He had catnip at his scratching post. He liked rolling in it and then tearing up whatever was in his path.

19. Chasing my feet under the covers. He loved pouncing on anything that moved under the bedspread. I loved playing this game with Mars. But he only tried to get our hands or feet when we wanted to play, never by surprise attack. He was so good.

20. Going outside on the stairs with me. I like to sometimes sit outside and just watch the leaves or enjoy the weather. I would leave the screen door open and Mars would come join me. We'd sit together and listen to whatever was around us. If anyone came, he could run back inside. Marley, unlike Figaro, never tried to go too far from me.

21. Doing his jumping trick. Mars would jump up and pet his head against my hand. He went pretty high up in the air too!

22. Sticking his tongue out. Marley always had one little tooth poke out, a cute fang. But he would also often go around with the tip of his tongue sticking out.

23. Pawing at ribbons. Mars liked any string or ribbon. His favorite was the blue ribbon on my robe. I'd lay the robe on the bathroom floor and let him play with the ribbon while I took a bath. Then at other times, we'd just play with whatever ribbon or string was around. When we took his body to the vet, I cut the blue ribbon off my robe. J.D. and I wrote notes and placed them around Marley's neck to let anyone know who he was. They said we'd love him forever.

24. J.D. Mars had a good "daddy" who took care of him. Marley was also there for J.D. when we all lost Figaro.

25. Me. I really think Marley loved me most of all. There are very few people in this world who really, truly care about us. When we find another soul who does, we are extremely blessed, and it becomes a reason to be alive. I feel there's one less reason for me now in this world. In the end, our lives make only small differences, but I really mattered to Mars, and he mattered so much to me. I can't help but believe the world will always be better because it had the light of this strong, sweet, good little spirit named Marley.

I want to remember every detail about Marley. It pains me there will be no more new memories or adventures, but I cherish everything we had. He was more than a cat to me. He was my friend, my companion, my angel, my baby, my heart.

My Baby

Marley Beelow died in my arms at 8:30 tonight. We love you Mars. J.D. was there with me petting him. He took a couple of deep breaths and looked up at me.

Earlier in the day J.D. went to check the mail and Marley expended all his energy trying to make it to the door to go with him. He collapsed near the door with no energy left. He had such a strong, sweet spirit. It absolutely breaks my heart that he still wanted to go check the mail, even though he couldn't eat or drink today.

I think how lucky I was to have Mars in my life. I'm not sure what I'll do without him.

Goodbye Love. Your mommy loves you, forever my baby.

A Short, Slow Life

We lived in a pocket of Time.
It was close, it was warm.
Along the dark seam of the river
the houses, the barns, the two churches,
hid like white crumbs
in a fluff of gray willows and elms,
till Time made one of his gestures;
his nails scratched the shingled roof.
Roughly his hand reached in,
and tumbled us out.

~ Bishop

Apple, Banana, Ding-dong

Thanks to the support and encouragement of many good friends, one does go on.

A day that measures more

Talking to myself:

Well, the nerves started to kick in around 4:30. Now it's close to 6:00. Has hopelessness set in? No, not quite. Just resignation. So, February 11, 2008, is it? I've waited how many YEARS for this day? 4, 5, 7? How much more can I jam in my head. It already feels like a jar of strawberry preserves. Oh, look, jelly leaking out my ear. KNOWLEDGE... must cram in. Why do I procrastinate, do other stuff, and then try to do it all in 24 hours? Am I just a masochist? Evidently. I doubt the world will stop spinning at 4:30 tomorrow. Whatever the outcome for me personally. Whatever, it will be an end to a so long a time in limbo. At least after tomorrow my life will move in one direction or the other and not be at a perpetual standstill.

Bickering Philosophers

Schopenhauer in describing Hegel said he reached "the height of audacity in serving up pure nonsense in stringing together senseless and extravagant mazes of words such as had been previously known only in madhouses."He also called it "barefaced, general mystification," a "monument to German stupidity." Ouch. At least I haven't been thus denounced by a peer... yet.

Another day in the Garden of Eden

Your execution will be held in the garden at 2:30 sharp.
In attendance will be your executioner, wearing black.
Please be prompt and dress appropriately.

What a shame. Oh well,
it was too beautiful today, 75 degrees.
The ice melted into a steam,
evaporated straight off the ground--
Chunks of snow flew heavenward.

Whenever I see sunlight streaming though clouds
I think it shines where someone has died,
marking their walkway into the sky.

I'll expect my exit soon.
Snow or no snow
Ground or no ground
Garden or no garden
Light or no light.

Snowball Fight

A couple of days ago it snowed. We wanted to go out and make a snowman that first night, but it was pretty cold. So last night, after J.D. got home from work he asked me if I wanted to build a snowman. "Maybe a little one," I said. Two years ago we built these fine snowpersons. They are a cute couple, who enjoy doing things together like sledding. Well, this year, the snow was too powdery to make snowpersons. So, we had a snowball fight instead. I had never been in a snowball fight before. I was always too chicken, but it helps that J.D. doesn't try to hit people in the face, especially not me. I didn't try to either... except my aim isn't as good, so once J.D. got one right in the back of his neck and once off the top of his head. It was really a lot of much needed fun and a great stress reliever to run around in the snow. I think a lot of joy in life comes from remembering what it was like to be a kid and just enjoy the simplest, silliest things. It also really helps when you can share it with someone who agrees it's good to be silly.

Quiet

I love the hush of everything when it snows. You can stand in the middle of a city and hear nothing. There are thousands of people hiding away in their houses, apartments, and rooms, but you can't hear one of them. Walking home Tuesday night it was cold. A damp, light snow was beginning to fall. I walked briskly, but then I saw how the snow seemed like a revelation in the street light, and I slowed down. I stood perfectly still. There are small blessings that assuage us when our hearts are most heavy. How was snow in the orange lamp light a revelation? It was beautiful. Sometimes the rare incidence of beauty, however insignificant, is what we most need.
Image from: SnowCrystals.com.