All the Absurd Things

In the universe find their way to me.

Tonight we watched The Mutant Chronicles, which is a movie based on a table-top game J.D. used to play. My favorite part was the Netflix description that started with these four magical words: "In a futuristic world. . . ." OK, you KNOW you're in trouble when you read that! At first I read it normally, but then, I just had to reread it in my best impersonation of the dramatic-movie-guy's voice.

Also silly today: I was on the elevator leaving my doctor's appointment. A man got on when it stopped on the second floor. There are three levels to the parking garage: G1, G2, G3. The man entered and stared for a long time at the elevator button panel. Then he turned to me and asked: "Where's my car?"

I politely indicated that I didn't know. He pushed all three buttons and said he would just explore each level. I waited until I was outside before giggling.

Also of great absurdity: All pregnancy magazine ads. I can't believe the stuff people think they need. Take for example this ad:




















So the message here is that it's just consumer "lust" if you buy a $149 hospital gown but a "must" have at $50? Perhaps even more disturbing is the entire underlying message that a woman must be concerned first and foremost about her looks, even while giving birth: "looking good just feels better, doesn't it?" Sure, when I'm in labor I'll really care about the print on my hospital gown. Never mind the fact that your most personal parts are on display. . . you should care about what floral pattern you're wearing!

And then there's this delightful number advertising a breast pump for every glamorous socialite. I won't even go into my criticism here:

Hypothetical questions and cookies

Yesterday J.D. made his famous chocolate chip cookies!

While a batch was baking, we flipped through the t.v. channels. We found a Harvard philosophy professor giving a lecture on PBS. He had apparently posed the question whether a person would choose the collected works of Shakespeare or The Simpsons. We didn't catch what his larger results were, so I decided to ask the question too. Feel free to be honest, especially since the poll is completely anonymous.

And I won't say too much more, but I think maybe there is a lot here beyond what "meets the eye" in the judgment assigned to the choices. (Definitely arguments can be made). Also, it's quite possible J.D.'s and my choices would surprise a few people.

I've also added the hypothetical question that J.D. then came up with, which changes the context and perhaps your answer.

Anyway, this is the sort of thing we talk about while eating chocolate chip cookies, lots and lots of chocolate chip cookies. :) YUM!

Saltines are my friends

So my experience with morning sickness has been that as long as I eat something I do ok. I've only been really sick once and that was because I had an empty stomach. Yesterday I wasn't sick at all. So I hope this will continue to be the pattern.

As for other things going on, I still need to upload Easter pictures from our fun times with Catherine, Michael, and Olivia! That's on my "To Do" list today--along with a hundred other things I've been meaning to do.

Also, I finally called the landlord last week to complain about our stove that doesn't shut all the way and the screen door with no handle. (After a while you just learn to live with things; I think it's a type of learned-helplessness). But to my surprise they are going to get us a new stove and new door! So, that makes my day. And it makes me regret just living with it and taping the door shut every time I used the oven.

Well, off to work. Bye for now.

Oh, now it's "cool"

This made me smile. Evidently, now Bollywood-style dancing is "in." :) So, raise your hand up and jingle your bangles baby. Although, I haven't been in my "Bollywood phase" for a while now, and I still prefer "old school" movies (like the ones with Nargis and Raj Kapoor). Maybe that's what I need to do to entertain myself, watch a movie and then imitate the dance moves.

Random thoughts

February is a difficult month. You begin to want spring, but you know it's still distant.

I've been feeling sad for Marley a great deal recently. It's almost a year since he died. I also always think about my Aunt Colleen. It will be 10 years she's been gone. My Grandpa Baker also died in February. The only good points are my friend Holly's birthday, Ryan's birthday, and the anniversary of J.D. and I getting engaged. (I'm sorry if anything else slipped my mind right now. I'm sure there are other good points to the month). Anyway, I guess there's also the year anniversary of my ABD status, but that feels more like a slightly negative reminder right now.

On the pleasant side, we're very happy to learn that J.D. will have employment in the foreseeable future. His company is cutting jobs. They asked people to leave voluntarily last week. Approximately 250 people out of 800 left because they were scared they were going to lose their jobs anyway in this terrible economy and the walk-away package was so attractive. We decided to stay, and it was a good choice for now. Hopefully things will continue to go well. It was going to be very scary if J.D. lost his job.

I need to get myself moving. No more excuses. I only have a couple of months left and some big things are coming up soon. I need to get more work done, so I'll be able to do those important things. My sister is having her baby (girl) in June. In March Catherine and I are going to a conference. It's just time to really make myself produce something. Therefore, I may not be blogging as much for those dear friends and family members that check-in with us. I just need to focus my energy where it should go right now. I'm sure I'll still write something time-to-time.

Much love to all.

Robbery, a thoughtful gesture, looking forward to laughing

"At approximately 12:34pm Wednesday, a graduate student was walking on M--- in University City north of the Danforth campus. The student was approached by four subjects who asked him for money. The student continued to walk on by and was then struck by one of the subjects with a fist. The subjects then took his cell phone and some cash and fled to the north."

(Sheesh. This is why I don't walk around at night with my wedding ring. It seems like every 3 months there's a robbery on the corner, well, actually they seem to be happening more frequently. I'm beginning to get desensitized to it.)

On the happy side today I got a holiday card from a former student. That made me smile. He said we should have a "Writing 1 Reunion." LOL.

We'll be leaving soon to see Craig Ferguson at the Pageant. It should be fun. I really like Mr. Ferguson. I think he's easily the most humorous late night guy. Hopefully it will be fun.

Well, there's nothing else too happy right now, so I'll keep my whining to myself. I'm so scattered right now.

Self Reflection

I should probably just go to sleep, but I'm up sitting at my computer. Recently I've been wondering what has happened to my efficacy, especially my self-efficacy. I can't seem to meet any of my own goals. I cannot will myself to sit down and write my dissertation, to do consistent research, or even to read. What has happened to me? Did I just get tired? Did I just get lazy? The more I fail to reach even "easy" daily goals, the more I doubt myself.

The thing is too, I have NO excuses. This is all on me. I have the time; I have the space, and I have all the resources I could use at my fingertips. I have no other responsibilities right now. I have a loving and supportive husband, who came to St. Louis for me. He does so much just to make me happy. I have beautiful friends. I have a best friend that always lets me know she understands. I have a loving family, and even if they don't understand what I'm doing, they care. And J.D.'s side of the family also supports me, and I know they send their love and best wishes for both of us.

And yet. . . . All of those loving, wonderful people and this opportunity of time and space only make it all the more difficult and painful to admit the truth. I am the only thing in my way. I am the border I cannot cross.

It's to the point that I am not my own worst enemy; I am my only enemy. Something in me feels broken, and I don't know how to fix it. As time simultaneously creeps and flies by, I feel inches of myself washing away, and there is little or no replenishment of sand. The hour glass is turned and drained. The "I" stands alone and empty, idly condemning itself.

Then I recall my other selves. Tammy of eight years ago was confident and strong. She was sure she could finish this. It seemed like the natural conclusion to her schooling, the last hurdle to whatever shiny goal rested at the end. Then there was the even younger, even more hopeful Tammy of thirteen years ago, who spoke about happiness in the moment, not at the end. Then even further back, existing now only because I remember her, was the Tammy who enjoyed staying in at recess to finish homework from the day she missed school because she was sick. The Tammy that dragged the encyclopedia with her every time her family drove the 20 miles in and out of town each day. She discovered the picture of the Bronte sisters and read all about them. She went out and found things just because she was curious and wanted to know. I remember that little girl, but I can't feel her curiosity or joy in learning much anymore. What a stranger I've become to myself.

Still under all this, perhaps why I'm writing, is a persistent, unyielding hope. If nothing more a stubbornness, that just refuses to say "enough." Too much time; too much effort, too many tears and most of my 20s-- seem to be pushing me to keep running around the track, even though now that shiny goal line seems imaginary.

How do you find the way back to yourself? How do you embrace the death of your old selves and the birth of whatever is arising in you? How do you string together the fragments that compose a life, a goal, or a self? How do you work toward something when you don't really know why you're doing it anymore? How do you overcome yourself, especially a self you don't recognize?

Freewrite

I don't know how this is going to come together. I've been watching stupid television and feeling lazy all day. So, I decided I just needed to write something, even something rambling, incomplete, ungrammatical, silly, and with mixed metaphors.

Upon finishing the translation of Things Past the other day, I had one of those rare but meaningful moments when I remember what it is I love. --Those moments when you're caught up in aesthetic completion, those moments some books make us feel. This book was such an immense labor of time, going through it. And while some passages along the way are vivid, lovely, and wonderful... there are also moments that annoy, as the character wallows in his possessive jealousy or recounts tales of casual sex with milk, bakery, and grocer "girls." (But, now I'm getting side-tracked). Because the experience was one of greater beauty, and lingering on the more annoying aspects makes me forget my larger point. The point is that I'm grateful to be able to appreciate this sort of work of art, to be able to see the bigger picture, to get aesthetic pleasure from a text.

Then there was Thanksgiving, and I began to realize that I should be thankful for who I am --. If you think about it, really, the odds of you being you and me being me were crazy. First, none of our ancestors had to die from plague or a dinosaur (Kentucky science) before some other ancestor of ours was born. Secondly, consider the odds we were up against even with the thousands of eggs and innumerable sperm.... (ok, I wander again). My point is that I'm ok with my own existence. I have been blessed with the ability to feel and experience some few things in unique ways. I don't mean to sound like an ass, although with the egoism involved in blogging, I'm afraid I probably come across that way a lot. (I really try not to). I think there are thousands of ways of appreciating beauty, and we're all given unique insights and ways to contribute to the whole. As an example, I wish I had some insight into the beauty of math. I know some individuals can see in numbers, formulas, and proofs a pleasurable pattern; they perceive a beauty I can only realize exists, but I do not get to personally experience. They have an insight with the universe that deepens it. They add to God's creation by adding to God's experience of her creation.

Many people understand the underlying aesthetic wonder of nature itself, of painting, of music --we all get glimpses of the undercurrents of beauty rippling through different dimensions of our world. We tap into the groundwater now and then, even if it's a short, shallow drink. Still the water is cool and refreshing. Our souls receive life and are enlarged. This is also the spiritual experience. This is also love and friendship. These are the cherished and wonderful things that we all hold very dear.

But to hear a beautiful sonata is only one level. Imagine being Mozart. There is the human working through layers of deeper connection to creativity itself. Bringing back that vision, that touching of the stars, to share with other hearts and minds, not given the direct involvement.

Still, each time someone new experiences a beautiful song or finds something worthy, it deepens the universe's memory and experience of it. What I'm also saying is that we don't have to be Mozart. Each time something beautiful is relived and recreated, we participate in the life of beauty, of the life of art, in life itself (whatever mysterious purpose it has). So, while I do not create works of art, I feel the current of beauty running through them, some more than others. And that is a blessing. It is a gift to get a sense of completion from a text that feels like more than the writer, more than the words, more than myself.

The other day I was reading about a technique where painters use two colors alongside each other to create the impression of a third color. The third color isn't "really" there-- but it's the combination of the two and the human mind's filtering of the experience that gives rise to something more than what simply meets the eye. I feel lucky to get moments of seeing the third color when I read. I think some of us have that wellspring, and while we may often be burdened by thinking so much about something, at times it loses all distinction and becomes a mere blur, we also get the pleasure of a level of understanding not small in its beauty.

This sense, this third color also emerges in our personal lives and relationships. It emerges in our friendships and in our marriages. Think of how in a marriage you become more than a single person; you become a couple. You're both still complete individuals (in good marriages) but a third quality emerges, and that is the quality of you two together. That aspect that comes through is love and the unique way your relationship develops and adds to this world. They say when people are married "two become one," but I see it a little differently. My math doesn't add up I suppose. 1 + 1 = 3 . Again, back to me not understanding math!

Now, I feel the need to step back. Certainly I am a little speck of dust. There are people much, much smarter, more creative, more insightful, more everything. But for my lump of clay, I contribute to God's experience of beautiful things and add my humble love and ecstatic excitement, at least every now and then. That is what I can hope for and can be happy to feel on occasion. To be ungrateful would be to diminish the generosity of a thoughtful gift.

I know too that I have friends that feel and understand similar experiences. I know they access similar points of beauty. I have friends that know more than I do and have deeper wells into areas I do not venture. Some of them participate in the living waters of knowledge, especially specialized areas, of music, or art, of different types of literature, of different languages, philosophies, and ideas. We each have our own way of uniquely experiencing beauty through, being, and beyond ourselves. And while we may not see them all, we can still celebrate them.

How do you get to be the face of Hepatitis?

So, I gave blood today. I'm fast at it. Once I was "plugged in" it only took 5 minutes and 42 seconds.

But here's what I'm wondering now. You know all those personal questions they ask about whom you've had sexual relations with, what diseases you've had, what medications you've taken, or whether or not you've ever shared needles or done illegal drugs?

Well, they had me answer these questions on a computer, and for each question they showed an illustration.

Sometimes they showed an insect biting someone to represent whatever disease it transmitted. For the HIV question they showed a crowd of people (nice subtext there, not judgmental or anything). Then for hepatitis they showed this one guy's face (multiple times, with every question involving hepatitis). Why? Also, how do you end up having your face used to represent hepatitis? Seriously? Do you sign a release form giving them permission to use your image for that purpose?

The absurdity of those images gave me something to think about for 5 minutes at least.

"Man accused of stealing communion wafers"

Ok, this story made me smile, although I do not condone stealing communion, especially if you have to wrestle an 82 year old person for it. :)

Chris Elliot Provides Feedback on Personal Appearance

Chris Elliot, comedian and television actor, took it upon himself to offer unsolicited feedback to a woman at a local bank Tuesday, October 28, 2008.

Since the incident, Elliot has refused to comment on his reasons for visiting the bank that day. Sources report that he had just made a deposit and saw the woman waiting in line for the next available teller.

He allegedly approached the woman by waving at a distance, as if he knew her, and then he walked up and informed her: "You have a pleasant demeanor." While saying this, he put on his black, knitted hat. Sources claim the woman seemed quite astonished by this unprompted, totally arbitrary comment. However, she was able to gather enough composure to reply, "Thank you, have a nice day," as she walked toward a gesturing teller. Elliot then proceeded to the bank exit and unchained his bicycle.

Elliot is best known for his appearances on The Late Show with David Letterman and as that weird brother guy on Everybody Loves Raymond.

No reason was provided for his odd comment. The woman left reportedly feeling strange and looking cautiously once or twice over her shoulder as she walked home.

Us at home

"Hey Mom, look at me."
My "naughty, bad one" playing in the big closet.

Athena loves getting in any closet, and she has been shut in a few by accident. Just 15 minutes ago, I began to wonder where she was and heard her crying in the bathroom closet. She likes relaxing on my clean towels. She's a silly one.

Crustacean Apple Pie.
Ok, really, there's nothing crustacean about it except the decoration.

J.D. with his Sophie baby.
She climbed in his lap and insisted he hold her.

J.D. playing with the kitties. Sophie gets bored and goes out the front door to play in the corridor where we get our mail and she catches her friends the crickets.

J.D. eating the infamous "skunk" Jelly Belly.

"Head Knowledge"

I read over this yesterday while proctoring. I thought I'd share. They have them in the hallway of a science building for some reason.

Long Day

Love you Marley

Well, I guess the day started by watching Youth without Youth later than we should have. We started the movie around 10:00 or so. The best part of this movie was the buttered air popcorn we ate. We watched the entire film and at the end pretty much looked at each other and said, "What the hell?" Then I watched Francis Ford Coppola's commentary to see what it was that we both obviously missed. I confirmed that we didn't miss anything; the movie is just a large ball of mixed up quasi-philosophy that slowly rolls into oblivion and will take your two hours with it. J.D. said he couldn't believe I watched it with the commentary (even fast forwarding large chunks), and I joked: "I watched it twice to make sure it was bad." Yes, it's bad.

Then we proctored Saturday morning, reporting time 7:30. After telling kids named Damonica, Stardasha, Ulysses, and Leroy what to do and not do, we were out of there by 12:00. (Yay multiple choice, no writing).

Then it was off to the Halloween store for J.D.'s scary costume. He got a skull mask, which later effectively terrified the poor kitties. J.D.'s work is having a contest for best costume. Then we ate Chinese food. Then we went canvassing for the Obama campaign. We did that for three hours together. J.D. is really good at it. I am shy. I have a hard time knocking on strangers' doors, but I did it because I care so much about this election. I met some really nice people too. One man was from Iran; he moved his aging mother and father to the U.S. to escape the regime there. He told me he hadn't seen his father in 15 years, and when he did, he barely recognized him because of the stress from living there. His mother answered the door; she was very sweet. I felt bad because their dog ran out, but he was recovered by the son very quickly. Then at another house, the guy came to the door with money in his hand and said, "Oh, I thought you would have a pizza!"

Also, to end the day, my Beeb on http://www.stuffonmycat.com/ as submitted by Catherine.

Now I feel like eating a donut

http://simpsonizeme.com/

Thanks Catherine for the cool site.

We don't like Ike

We didn't fair totally well in the storm, it wasn't bad by any means, but we did not say adieu to Ike 100% unscathed. All the rain here flooded the streets and caused a lot of problems.

Our problem was that the car quit on J.D. as he was driving to work. He went to work at 8:30 a.m. to finish his weekend report for Monday. I lounged in bed until 9:00, then got up and started watching political commentaries on t.v. But a little while after 9:10, there was a knock on our door. Not expecting maintenance or company, I wondered, who the heck is this? Peeking out, who do I see but my husband! Soaking wet from head to toe. He had been running in the rain for 25 minutes with no umbrella.

The car stalled out after a hill and huge puddle. The puddle was blocked by the hill and covered the entire road. Evidently the car's starter got wet. So, after calling for assistance at home (sometimes a cell phone would be very nice) J.D. then went back to the car, with AAA to help, and they tried to get it started but still had to push it off to the side and leave it. He came home again and said we would try to let the starter dry out and go back later. I made him change his wet clothes. The silly man wasn't going to. But when he did, he admitted it felt a lot better. See, wives are smart. Then I fussed over him for awhile, offering hot drinks and blankets.

At 6:30 p.m. we both walked to the car, and it didn't start again. Now, we've had it towed to an auto mechanic nearby. Hopefully it won't cost a bundle to fix.

It's good J.D. could ride his bike to work this morning, which he left home here at 4:14 a.m. to try and make up for lost time yesterday.

I can't imagine how awful it would be to live in a place that receives the brunt of a storm like that. I hope all the people in Texas are doing ok. There are people who face tragedy not just inconvenience. But it is a testament to the power of such storms that even this far inland, they can still pack a punch.

P.S. I just saw on the news that two people were killed in the street flooding in U-City, where we live. Terrible.

Transience

Leaving Costco today there was a sweet, little lady playing an exhibit piano. You could tell she was doing it just for fun. She had some jazzy elevator music going. Walking out, I noticed a man in the food court tapping his foot, smiling appreciatively. Little things. Signifying nothing. Everything.

Outside a blue, gold, pink sunset. J.D. leaning against the car, waiting for me, smiling. Little things. Signifying nothing. Everything.

Alternative Names and Places

I've taken to calling Athena "grasshopper." It's fun to say; it fits her well, and she certainly has a lot to learn. Today we discovered that she likes eating popcorn. She likes it plain, no butter, no salt. J.D. and I enjoy air-popped popcorn. As J.D. was preparing it, a couple of popped kernels fell on the floor, and Athena vacuumed them up, crunching merrily. What a little grasshopper indeed.

Today we also continued our adventures in finding new restaurants. We haven't done this in a while, so we figured we might as well have a fun day. J.D. and I like trying to find new places. Plus, we're always up against the Law of Diminishing Returns. The Law, by the way, is our finding that upon return visits, it's never quite as good as the first time you eat at a particular place or enjoy a certain dish. When you find something really delicious -- enjoy it --because it's never that tastey again. (And sometimes it continues to be less and less delectable with each return visit). That's our theory. It may be depressing, but it just encourages us to savor things while we can.

Anyway, we tried a place called "The Shaved Duck" tonight. We enjoyed the Italian cheese "Castel Beldo," and we did try the duck confit, which was good. We also tried the frites, which we probably wouldn't order again because they were a little messy. Overall, it was fun. Oh, I also learned something: I do NOT like bourbon... yuck. Not even with fruit or extra ice.

After dinner we went to the Moolah, in my opinion, an awesome theater. I like snuggling on the leather couches. Plus, it's such a cool building, and there are end tables for drinks and food. If we ever open a movie theater, we'll model it on the Moolah. During the previews, J.D. brought in two tequila shots. I'm not a bourbon fan, but I think tequila is fun. I like the salt and ritual. The movie we watched was Hancock.

My review: "Eh, ok."

Although the whole "tangoing in a tornado" scene was really stupid.

There are so many "superhero" movies this summer:

Giant-Angrified Green Guy;

Rich Dude with a Chiroptera Fetish;

Immortal Liquored-Up Founding Father;

Fe with Atomic Number 26 Man;

and Tartarus Muchacho.

Geez.

Where are the female superheroes?

Then again... the only female superheroes would have to wear really skimpy clothes and prance around. Whenever I see comics with the women drawn basically naked I think "Who could fight like that?" Seriously? So, I guess never mind.

All in all, it was a fun day.

Romance Anyone?

Ok, I have to share this. Someone I know from my freshman year in college is starting a Bible Study group called "Falling in Love with Jesus." They're meeting in Idaho, if anyone is interested. Here's part of an e-mail I recently received:

Falling in Love with Jesus Bible Study UPDATE:
"In His arms I feel protected There's no place I'd rather rather be"~ From the song "Falling in Love with Jesus" by Jonathan Butler.

UPDATE:We have a time and place - YAY! I'm just waiting on the arrival of the study materials. I wanted to know from you all - do you want me to order the books and workbooks, and then you just pay me? Or do you want to get them on your own?

So this made me curious. What kind of workbooks are out there? Well, evidently this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Falling-Love-Jesus-Abandoning-Yourself/dp/0849988217
This is how Amazon describes it:

"Product Description
This in-depth Bible Study gives women the inspiration to rethink their relationships with Christ, and to understand and surrender to Him in a fresh new way. Especially geared toward small group study, the Falling in Love with Jesus workbook and multi-media study offer humor, wisdom, and stories of women who've experienced a deeper, more passionate relationship with Christ. Ten lessons are divided into 50 days, five days per week, of Scriptures that focus on our love relationship with Jesus, deepening our confidence that we are the object of Christ's affection."

"Surrender to Him in a fresh new way". . . .

Is that like "spicing up your marriage?"

"Passionate relationship"?. . . . being the "object of Christ's affection?"

(Evidently they haven't heard of object/subject vectoring).

I'm curious what the "multi-media" aspect is with this sort of description.

I also checked out the song by Mr. Butler: http://englishclub.vox.com/library/video/6a00d41431a3d96a4700d414353a173c7f.html
Hmm. . . surprisingly after that, I'm still not in love.

I guess I'd just like to caution my female friends, be careful with your hearts ladies. From what I've read -- Jesus has a tendency to "walk away," or maybe that's just from fights.

Argh.

That is all.