Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Together
Today we snuggled; I held you close and whispered to you. At the change in my voice, you looked at me with wide eyes and stopped moving. I whispered: "Jonathan, listen to the rain... listen to the rain on the roof and windows, listen son." Then we were still and silent together. You cuddled in next to my warmth. After awhile we both closed our sleepy eyes, opening them only occasionally to keep watch on each other. We fell asleep listening. Listen to the rain in life son.
Monday, January 18, 2010
My labor: Days 1 & 2
Yesterday we went to buy a mattress for Jonathan. At the baby store, I saw a very pregnant woman and suddenly thought: "Oh, she has to go through labor soon." It triggered a momentary feeling of apprehension, and then relief that I was past that hurdle.
It's been six weeks, and I didn't write here about my labor. I did take my real journal to the hospital with me. I wanted to remember as much detail as possible and document the story of Jonathan's birth. My friend Catherine had warned me that things would become fuzzy afterward. It's true. Maybe it's the drugs, hormones, or just the fact you have to move on immediately to the new reality of keeping your little bundle alive outside your body. Whatever it is, your mind doesn't impress all the details into long-term memory without help. So I wrote things down.
After grabbing my bag and kissing the kitties goodbye, we arrived at the hospital by 4:30 p.m. December 1, 2009. I was not in active labor; my doctor wanted me induced. I stood at the hospital's sliding doors not wanting to go in; in fact, I walked away, looking at the yellow sunset and breathing the cold December air. I was afraid, and I knew it would be a long time before I would walk out those doors again. J.D. came and stood by me, hugged me, took my hand and walked with me. We went up to the fifth floor. They didn't have any open delivery beds. I heard a male nurse joke that it was December and there was no room in the inn. Other nurses blamed the full moon.
We were put in the emergency care area. They had me change into the standard embarrassing (literally) hospital robe. They began rounds of questions about my medical history, family members' health, etc. A woman came to get our insurance information. Then they took my blood sample, started my IV (it really stung), and left us to wait. I was able to walk around a little to pass the time, but mostly I was strapped down with the fetal heartbeat and contraction monitors. They were two bands placed very tightly around my belly. They became bunched up and after awhile felt like they were cutting into my skin. Finally, at 11:30 p.m., after seven hours of waiting we were given a room.
It was room 501, right by the main doors & freight elevator. It was very noisy with people coming & going and talking outside our door. The elevator made a whining sound like a woman crying in labor. They put the straps around me again and added a blood pressure monitor that went off every half hour. At midnight they gave me a drug called cervidil to soften my cervix. It takes 12 hours to work. We tried to sleep after 1:00 a.m. J.D. had a chair by my bed, and my Mom had a similar reclining chair in the corner. My bed was hard and too short for me, so sleeping was an awkward challenge. Mostly, I just hoped the cervidil would work. On a positive note, the nurses kept commenting that Jonathan's heartbeat was beautiful, and judging by that, he was a very healthy, strong baby. That gave me hope.
In the morning J.D. & my Mom went to find breakfast. I could tell from my small window that it was raining outside. At 1:20 p.m. they took out the cervidil gel implant. After 12+ hours, I was only dilated to 1 cm. I felt crushed. My doctor had warned me that half of all inductions end in c-section, even after long hours of labor. The doctors discussed giving me something called a "foley bulb," a mechanical device placed inside to open the cervix. It blows up slowly like a balloon. It sounded painful, but I was willing to do whatever I needed to move things along. They also discussed giving me another round of cervidil. I admit, I cried at that point. I was so tired and uncomfortable, and 12 more hours of lying there strapped down to my bed (before actual labor even began) seemed more than I could bear. I was worried I wouldn't have enough strength for the hardest part yet to come. I felt weak too because I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. In the end, it was decided the cervidil would be best. I was allowed to have some food to keep my strength up. I know hospital food is known to be bad, but it was such a relief to eat something. I had chicken tenders, veggies, milk, and even chocolate cake. I felt like that chocolate cake saved my life.
By now I was feeling my contractions. There was a tightness in my stomach area. I had been having mild contractions since the day before, but now I could really tell. Meanwhile, throughout the day they kept doing cervical checks. I'm not going to lie; they were painful, especially because I wasn't dilated much. Some doctors and nurses were more gentle than others. Some were rough-- one in particular, "Dr. Skinner" ironically-- hurt me quite a bit. He also scared me by his dramatic overreacting. At one time he burst into the room and told the nurses to give me oxygen. He said the baby's heart rate was looking strange. In reality, everything was fine. I could have told them that I just needed to be able to move and turn on my side. Once I was able to lie on my side, Jonathan's heartbeat picked up.
The day passed waiting for some change. But nothing did other than the hospital staff. Different doctors, nurses, and medical students came and went. One highlight that evening was when J.D. and Mom went for dinner and snuck back a milkshake for me. I ate a few fries too. Then we tried to sleep again.
At 1:00 a.m. I woke from a half-sleep. I felt water trickling down my leg and worried for a minute that maybe I couldn't hold my bladder. I had J.D. help unstrap me, so I could make it to the bathroom. It was my water breaking. It was a good sign that something was happening. A doctor checked me again. Although I was still only dilated to 1 cm, my cervix was soft and effaced. So, at exactly 2:19 a.m. they started the pitocin to really bring on my contractions.
Throughout the long night my contractions grew in intensity. J.D. and Mom were sleeping, and I didn't want to wake them. There I was in the dark trying to rest but mostly feeling the increasing contractions. The hours ticked by. I listened to nurses and doctors coming and going through the main door outside my room. The elevator still moaned in its labor. I watched two distant twinkling lights out my window. I rubbed my belly and talked softly to Jonathan through the long, long night.
It's been six weeks, and I didn't write here about my labor. I did take my real journal to the hospital with me. I wanted to remember as much detail as possible and document the story of Jonathan's birth. My friend Catherine had warned me that things would become fuzzy afterward. It's true. Maybe it's the drugs, hormones, or just the fact you have to move on immediately to the new reality of keeping your little bundle alive outside your body. Whatever it is, your mind doesn't impress all the details into long-term memory without help. So I wrote things down.
After grabbing my bag and kissing the kitties goodbye, we arrived at the hospital by 4:30 p.m. December 1, 2009. I was not in active labor; my doctor wanted me induced. I stood at the hospital's sliding doors not wanting to go in; in fact, I walked away, looking at the yellow sunset and breathing the cold December air. I was afraid, and I knew it would be a long time before I would walk out those doors again. J.D. came and stood by me, hugged me, took my hand and walked with me. We went up to the fifth floor. They didn't have any open delivery beds. I heard a male nurse joke that it was December and there was no room in the inn. Other nurses blamed the full moon.
We were put in the emergency care area. They had me change into the standard embarrassing (literally) hospital robe. They began rounds of questions about my medical history, family members' health, etc. A woman came to get our insurance information. Then they took my blood sample, started my IV (it really stung), and left us to wait. I was able to walk around a little to pass the time, but mostly I was strapped down with the fetal heartbeat and contraction monitors. They were two bands placed very tightly around my belly. They became bunched up and after awhile felt like they were cutting into my skin. Finally, at 11:30 p.m., after seven hours of waiting we were given a room.
It was room 501, right by the main doors & freight elevator. It was very noisy with people coming & going and talking outside our door. The elevator made a whining sound like a woman crying in labor. They put the straps around me again and added a blood pressure monitor that went off every half hour. At midnight they gave me a drug called cervidil to soften my cervix. It takes 12 hours to work. We tried to sleep after 1:00 a.m. J.D. had a chair by my bed, and my Mom had a similar reclining chair in the corner. My bed was hard and too short for me, so sleeping was an awkward challenge. Mostly, I just hoped the cervidil would work. On a positive note, the nurses kept commenting that Jonathan's heartbeat was beautiful, and judging by that, he was a very healthy, strong baby. That gave me hope.
In the morning J.D. & my Mom went to find breakfast. I could tell from my small window that it was raining outside. At 1:20 p.m. they took out the cervidil gel implant. After 12+ hours, I was only dilated to 1 cm. I felt crushed. My doctor had warned me that half of all inductions end in c-section, even after long hours of labor. The doctors discussed giving me something called a "foley bulb," a mechanical device placed inside to open the cervix. It blows up slowly like a balloon. It sounded painful, but I was willing to do whatever I needed to move things along. They also discussed giving me another round of cervidil. I admit, I cried at that point. I was so tired and uncomfortable, and 12 more hours of lying there strapped down to my bed (before actual labor even began) seemed more than I could bear. I was worried I wouldn't have enough strength for the hardest part yet to come. I felt weak too because I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. In the end, it was decided the cervidil would be best. I was allowed to have some food to keep my strength up. I know hospital food is known to be bad, but it was such a relief to eat something. I had chicken tenders, veggies, milk, and even chocolate cake. I felt like that chocolate cake saved my life.
By now I was feeling my contractions. There was a tightness in my stomach area. I had been having mild contractions since the day before, but now I could really tell. Meanwhile, throughout the day they kept doing cervical checks. I'm not going to lie; they were painful, especially because I wasn't dilated much. Some doctors and nurses were more gentle than others. Some were rough-- one in particular, "Dr. Skinner" ironically-- hurt me quite a bit. He also scared me by his dramatic overreacting. At one time he burst into the room and told the nurses to give me oxygen. He said the baby's heart rate was looking strange. In reality, everything was fine. I could have told them that I just needed to be able to move and turn on my side. Once I was able to lie on my side, Jonathan's heartbeat picked up.
The day passed waiting for some change. But nothing did other than the hospital staff. Different doctors, nurses, and medical students came and went. One highlight that evening was when J.D. and Mom went for dinner and snuck back a milkshake for me. I ate a few fries too. Then we tried to sleep again.
At 1:00 a.m. I woke from a half-sleep. I felt water trickling down my leg and worried for a minute that maybe I couldn't hold my bladder. I had J.D. help unstrap me, so I could make it to the bathroom. It was my water breaking. It was a good sign that something was happening. A doctor checked me again. Although I was still only dilated to 1 cm, my cervix was soft and effaced. So, at exactly 2:19 a.m. they started the pitocin to really bring on my contractions.
Throughout the long night my contractions grew in intensity. J.D. and Mom were sleeping, and I didn't want to wake them. There I was in the dark trying to rest but mostly feeling the increasing contractions. The hours ticked by. I listened to nurses and doctors coming and going through the main door outside my room. The elevator still moaned in its labor. I watched two distant twinkling lights out my window. I rubbed my belly and talked softly to Jonathan through the long, long night.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Six weeks old
It's been six weeks and a day since Jonathan was born. He's doing really well. At his doctor's appointment yesterday he weighed 11 pounds and 10 ounces, and he has grown to 22.5 inches!
And last night he slept the longest ever... from 9:45 p.m. until 3:30 a.m. It feels good to finally get some sleep (even though I'm still tired). He was then up until 5:00 a.m. and again woke at 7:00 a.m., but at least we're making serious progress with night time sleeping.
While rocking him back to sleep at 4:45 a.m., he kept opening his eyes. He would look up at me, smile, and then contentedly close his eyes again.
He has such a gentle, happy personality. I love you little boy.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Busy Day
Today I got a lot done, especially compared to what a typical day involves for me anymore: changing, feeding, rocking, trying to sleep, rinse, repeat, etc.
I went to my chiropractor. I was all twisted up. My left leg was two inches shorter than my right. Now, I am feeling much better. I took Jonathan bundled in his car seat with me. He slept through most of it. Meanwhile, J.D. went to Walgreens for his H1N1 shot. While at the chiropractor's, there was a guy in the room before me, who they said had been in a motorcycle accident. The poor guy was crying and screaming. Since I started going to this chiropractor, I've heard a few men in that room yelling, screaming, moaning, etc. I wonder if women ever make those sorts of noises while at the chiropractor. (I doubt it). This guy was screaming more than I did all through my labor. Actually, I didn't scream at all. I did yell once, just to see if it would help. It didn't. It just made me out of breath.
Anyway, then we went to Target, where I found three comfortable nursing bras... Yay! It's difficult to find a good bra. P.S. Nursing is also difficult, but we're doing pretty good now.
That's it. I know, it's not much really. But now baby is crying with Daddy... so I must away to give him dinner. 
"Classic Winnie the Pooh" outfit. My alert, curious little boy.
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