Still laughing

From The Onion
"Depressed Candidate Runs Attack Ad About Self"
January 28, 2008 Issue 44•05

WASHINGTON—In the midst of a fiercely competitive presidential race with no clear Republican front-runner in sight, an increasingly depressed Mitt Romney shocked political insiders Monday when he released a new national attack ad targeting himself. The ad, which is scheduled to air across the country this week, features an unshaven and visibly crestfallen Romney taking himself to task on a number of key campaign issues, including health-care reform, illegal immigration, and "what's the use of even trying anymore?"

The ad features the former governor of Massachusetts drowning his sorrows in junk food and whiskey. "Mitt Romney says he's a candidate for change. He says he's a candidate Americans can finally trust," begins the self-destructive television spot, narrated by Romney himself. "But in 2004, this so-called Washington outsider approved nearly four separate tax hikes. And do you know why he did that? Because he's a big fat disappointment, that's why."
"Ugh," the television spot continues. "I'm going back to bed."

The ad goes on to list many of Romney's alleged failures as governor of Massachusetts in bold white text scrolling over a black background, set to the sound of soft weeping. Running 60 seconds, including 15 full seconds of long, world-weary sighs, Romney's latest ad is reportedly his most ruthless. Blasting himself for a wide range of political shortcomings, from cutting back on education spending to being unable to remember the last time he took a shower, the Republican candidate is said to hold nothing back.

"Strength, commitment, hope for a brighter future—you're looking at the wrong goddamn guy," asserts the television spot, as a still, unflattering image of Romney is struck with a large red "PATHETIC" stamp-graphic. "Do you know what I did yesterday? No, not campaign. I ate a gallon of ice cream. That's right, the whole damn thing." "Is this who you want running your country for the next four years?" asks the damaging spot. "Someone who can't even run a simple microwave without crying?"

In addition to verbal jabs, Romney's ad uses several visual aids to call his character into question. Moments before the ad's conclusion, an onscreen chart helps viewers tally the number of times the Republican candidate has lain awake at night reliving past humiliations, while a 3-D computer model illustrates just how low Romney has reportedly sunk as a "relentless failure" in the past month.

Video footage from a recent Republican debate is also shown, though much of its audio is drowned out by Romney, who criticizes himself throughout, saying, "Nice answer, jerk," and "God, you really don't know what the hell you're doing up there, do you?" "I'm Mitt Romney," the television spot concludes. "And sadly, I approve this message." Though early reaction to the attack ad has been negative, with many calling it unfair and even senseless, Romney has thus far stood his ground, claiming that the American people deserve to hear the truth.

"The men and women of this great nation have a right to know what's really going on out there," Romney announced as he stood behind a series of campaign posters bearing his new campaign slogan, "Anyone Else," late Monday afternoon. "If that means telling them that sometimes I lack the strength to change my clothes for three, even four straight days, then so be it." According to MSNBC chief political analyst Barbara Schleisser, Romney's self-directed smear campaign is likely to hurt the Republican candidate's chances.

"In today's well-informed society, attack ads rarely work and often do more damage to the person running them than his or her target," Schleisser said. "Then again, you can only hear someone call himself a worthless sack of shit so many times before you start believing it."
Despite the controversy the ad has created, many staunch Romney supporters said they were not swayed by Romney's televised condemnation.

"I don't care what Romney says, I still believe Romney is the best man for the job," said Phillip Walker, a Florida retiree. "If anything, Romney's despicable last-minute tactic has only further convinced me to vote for Romney."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/depressed_candidate_runs_attack_ad

A little Frost

The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.

Epiglottis

We went to the Body Worlds exhibit today. The things that "got" me were the little things, like toe bones, fingernails, and the guy holding his own skin... (ok that last one doesn't qualify under "little"), but it was all the hair on the tanned human skin and the creases in his feet and palms; it's all the details.

At the exhibit they also try to tell the history of anatomy as a discipline. One of the most fascinating classes I ever took was "History of the Body," for which we read Thomas Laquer's Making Sex, a profoundly insightful book on the interpretive history not only of gender but sex itself. Laquer offers evidence that women were seen as imperfect men, even equipped with masculine sex organs. Their penises and testicles were simply on the inside of the body because women's core temperatures were not hot enough to allow their sexual organs to descend. There are stories of young girls going out to run and jump, basically getting warm enough, and coming home as boys. Furthermore, men could easily lactate. There's a story of a man who produced so much milk that he made cheese out of it. Now that's funny. There are other, more disturbing stories about the body I could regal everyone with, but perhaps I'll save them for dinner conversation.

Anyway, Body Worlds, while an expensive exhibit, was worth going to see. P.S. The human nervous system really resembles a plant's roots. They had a brain and all the nerves on display; it actually was quite beautiful.

Darling Husband

Today we went to Taco Bell to celebrate the turning-in of my third major paper. (No word yet on its reception). Anyway, I wanted to try one of those cheesy, crunchy things, since evidently their advertising somehow worked on me.

At the drive-through window the lady handed J.D. our drinks and said in a southern accent:

"Here ya go baby."

J.D. handed me my drink; the lady closed the window, and J.D. took off his hat and looked at himself in the mirror, smoothing down his hair.

I then of course HAD to tease him. "Oh, so some lady at the drive-through calls you 'baby' and you naturally look in the mirror and fix your hair." It was pretty funny.

J.D. was simply taking off his hat, but the timing was superb. We've been wearing around town matching black caps, and when we leave the house we say we're off to burgle something, be it gorditas, dragon treasure, whatever.

Local Politics

This made me laugh and reminded me of an idiot I knew in college. Today the Governor of Missouri, Matt Blunt announced that he would not seek a second term. (That's not the stupid part; based on his past performance that's actually a fairly smart choice). The hilarious part was his reason for it. In his press release he stated:

"I've achieved everything I set out to accomplish."

He's already fixed everything!

He must have gotten a lot done between January 15th and today. In his State of the State address last week he outlined his policies for the next year and said: "Our task is to make what is good even better." He talked about further improving education, health care, roads across Missouri, immigration policies, etc. --Talk about getting stuff done.

Easy to love

Our babies

Granted, the J.D. graphic looks more like him--except his ears aren't that big, well, nor do his eyes glow bright blue. So, I guess they're both just approximations. Anyway, I do enjoy the cute baby Figaro and baby Marley. I wish we had both our boys as little baby cats. They would be so cute together. I'd love to see them scampering all over and all the mischief they would get into! Baby Marley would be licking the heck out of all the window blinds. Baby Figaro would be pouncing from box to box and meowing constantly. Baby Marley would chase bugs, and Baby Figaro would sit smugly on the table, daring me to move him or touch his white spots.

Mars seemed better today. He came to greet me when I got home and spent time snuggling with me. It was really, super sweet. I thought he wanted food, which I gave him, but he followed me until I realized he just wanted to lay on my lap for awhile. My baby.

I realized something else today about how much the boys have impacted my life. Before we had Figaro and Marley I didn't really feel much for animals in general. I thought they were just "animals." Now I really believe they have special little spirits. They give us a tremendous gift in the opportunity to love and care for them. They trust us and depend on us. But there is a heavy, heavy burden for us in this love. Queen Elizabeth said that "Grief is the price we pay for love." But "grief" doesn't seem to come near to the feeling. I feel like when Figaro left, he took a large part of our hearts and spirits with him. But I feel I shall lose my own soul without Mars. I've told a few people that I believe Marley is one of my soulmates. Whatever piece of the universe we came from, it was the same. I know most people won't understand this, and that's fine. But maybe they will understand what it means to feel like your life has benefited so much from someone else's. I can say without any hesitation that Marley has made me a better human being.

I just wish with all my heart we could have both our babies forever.

fleurs-de-mauvaise

Stayed up until 4:30 or some nonsense last night writing. Went to class 10:00. Marley is so skinny now. I feel every bone. I let him scratch the hell out of any chair he wants. What's stupid furniture? Yesterday he slept in the closet and only came out for food. Every other night when I've had to stay up and write he's been with me, just stayed with me, sat by me. Now he hurts. He doesn't know why he hurts. He doesn't deserve to hurt.

Strange world

Blogs are strange things. It's like confessional writing, and there's really an egoism that I feel very self-conscious about behind it, especially mine. I have no darling kids to show off. I have a cute cat, who I love, but very little of anything else. No one really cares about what I read or write about, and I'm not even convinced they should. So, I honestly don't know why I'm writing this, other than maybe right now is a hard time.

I just had an embarrassing experience. My "myspace" account was phished and some horrible message was sent out in my name. A friend (that I only knew for a year in high school on Academic Decathlon team) sent me a note hoping that it wasn't really from me because she said she looked up to me. That's sweet, but I find it difficult to believe I've had much of an impact on anyone or anything. I feel utterly useless. I know we all face our little prisons in our minds, of feeling less than what we probably are. People who have nice things wish for fewer bills. People who don't own anything, wish for some symbol of status. People who have kids wish for freedom. People who don't, wish for that affection, etc., etc., etc. We all want what everybody else has or is. Actually, I've prided myself on not being a jealous person, so maybe I'm openly prideful and secretly jealous, but I don't think so. I just want to have some purpose for being alive.

I took this picture of snow in the flowers in Salt Lake City, during a trip there with my college choir. Coincidentally, it was during General Conference, and I was wandering around alone outside, listening to the Tabernacle Choir sing on the speakers. That's back in the day when I used to pray too. I used to believe there was some purpose. I thought it was beautiful to see snow with flowers, since the two come together so rarely. It was a moment of them existing, both pristine and perfect. I'm sure soon after the snow melted and the flowers were wilted for the rest of the season, but it was lovely for a moment.

Maybe there's no long rest while we're alive. It's always a lot of struggle. I had no idea this person I barely knew ever looked up to me. I'm not sure why. I did study hard and work hard in high school, maybe that's why. I always thought my books would somehow take me somewhere worth going. I don't think they lied, but they still haven't told me what it is exactly I'm supposed to be. It's hard not seeing my family except maybe once a year, and knowing that I was the one that made this choice, while spending my days just surrounded by books (as beloved as they are) and feeling a deep sadness that my life is just passing away. Days mean nothing really anymore. Days are raising the blinds, lowering the blinds... over and over. Somedays I don't even bother raising them.

There's nothing anyone can do. I'm just complaining. I'm very lucky I've been paid to go to school, but I'm tired. And the thought of not having Mars with me, makes my feelings of loneliness and uselessness all the more severe. At least he needs and love me, and I make a difference to him. What do we live for if we can't make a difference to anyone anymore? Maybe I'm just really co-dependent. I need to be needed. All I know is that when I feel like I can't give affection, lavish it really, I begin to feel myself slipping away. Even if the other person rejects my gift, I can't live without offering--whatever it's worth. Although today, that doesn't feel like much.

Damn Hippies

It's really funny, I just received a book I ordered from an independent seller on Amazon. I opened the package and got an overwhelming whiff of certain "herbal" smells. Then I noticed the book came from San Francisco. I'm trying to read it, but for some reason I keep losing focus.

Chirology

No wonder I didn't remember the other name for palmistry. It's "Chirology."

Teenage Crime Wave

So, something a little light-hearted, I guess. J.D. watched an MST3K episode with me yesterday because he knows I love them, and we haven't laughed in a while. We learned that teenagers in the 1950s all had terrible, horrible parents. Actually, that's the plot point of almost every teenager movie I think MST3K satirized, so it must have been a common theme. We also saw Teenage Strangler tonight but it's just BAD, not much to save there. Anyway, back to Crime Wave, so what you may ask, did this crime wave involve?

Intro scene: Hot Tomata, picks up a "doughy guy" in a bar and then her boyfriend attempts, rather stupidly, to rob him. Boyfriend escapes, she does not. Miss Innocent-knickers, another girl on a blind date (and Hot Tomata's friend) also gets caught. She immediately tells the police everything, but her parents denounce her, and she is shipped off to all girl-on-girl prison complete with pillow fights and hair pulling in slips and brassieres. The two are ultimately transferred to another place, which evidently requires driving for miles and miles in the country, when befuddled boyfriend shows up and rescues them. They then hide out in a farmhouse with an old guy, his wife, and their 27 year old son, home from college for Thanksgiving. Oh, the insanity.

Most of the movie happens in the family's living room while Dad reads the Bible out loud. One of the best cracks is when the father is interrupted during his New Testament reading and (I think it's Crow) says "You interrupted me. Now I'm going to have to start over.... 'In the beginning....'"

Love only

"Love only is replenishment of halves" -James Merrill

Mars is continuing to do ok. He finished his antibiotics last night, so that's good. We also found out about the biopsy. Evidently the type of cancer Marley has is vulnerable to chemotherapy. We haven't decided what to do though; we're still seeking information and opinions from the doctors. One concerned, kind veterinarian said 2 of her dogs had chemo; one reacted well and lived for several more years, while the other puppy got very sick. We're just taking it one step at a time and letting Mars recover from surgery for now. I'm grateful for each day.

Marley is very special to me. When J.D. has been at work every weekend and during the week often from 9:00 am to 11:30 pm, Marley has many days been my only companion. Overall the last six years of my life have been at times lonely and stressful, but I've always had Mars. He also had a difficult early life, which we can only really guess about, but I think it's safe to say it was not happy based on the fact he was abandoned by his original human (and still to this day is terrified of brooms, cleaning supplies, garbage cans, etc.). I've always wanted to make up for that and give him a safe place, where he knows he's loved. I thought recently about when I was in kindergarten and the teacher read Black Beauty to us, and I guess that's the sort of story Marley and I have had. When Marley came here I wanted him to feel "My troubles are all over, and I am at home."

I'm truly grateful everyday for the opportunity we've had to find each other.

A dream about pain

Two nights ago I dreamed that I ripped out all my teeth. The dream began with one or two feeling loose, but when I touched them, they fell out. Then, I pulled out the rest of my teeth, but they didn't come out intact. They splintered. Only jagged, uneven white shards were left in my mouth.

Stay with us Mars

The last week has been rough, to say the least. Marley's prognosis is not good. My baby has cancer in his lymph nodes, left kidney, intestinal track, and liver. He had surgery yesterday to remove it, but they couldn't. The poor little guy was really disoriented when we got him home. He has a shaved belly now, and we have to give him a huge pill of antibiotics and an appetite stimulant. I keep apologizing for putting him through it, but it was really the best option for a possible long-term recovery. We had them do the biopsy while he was on the table, so we can decide what the next step will be.

On December 29 he was a healthy cat, although we were concerned he stopped eating the previous 2 days. J.D. and I thought for sure it was his teeth bothering him. Then suddenly, he was no longer a healthy kitty.

J.D. has been really supportive and helpful. I've seen again why I love him so much. He pet Marley for 7 hours with me last night. He loves him too. And I truly appreciate the love and support of friends and family and everyone else who also loves Marley. From my heart, thank you.