This day and the next

There aren't many days when we remember exactly what happened a year ago. Today I remember.

A year ago this was my last day with Marley. In about an hour, a year ago, he died while I held him.

I was teaching that day. After class I had office hours. Then I talked with Jessica longer than I planned. We talked about Marley. I told her he was sick. Meanwhile, J.D. was trying to call the library, where I mentioned I would be, to get me to come home. Marley was getting worse. He was throwing up and couldn't control his bladder. I finally got to Special Collections, and they told me J.D. had called. I walked home as it got dark.

By the time I got home, Marley was relaxed on J.D.'s lap. J.D. was petting him.

Earlier J.D. had gone to check the mail, and Marley tried with all his heart to join him, but he collapsed, exhausted, near the door. J.D. said it made him cry. It was heartbreaking to see Marley fall down, wanting to go so much, having all that heart, but not the physical ability. He tried, even after all he had been through that day. He tried, even after all he had been through in the past month: the surgery, the cancer, the pills, and the forced feedings. Even then, he wanted to make us happy and do what he always did with us. That's the kind of sweet spirit that was my Marley.

Once I was home, J.D. got up and had me sit down in the big chair. He handed Mars to me, who just laid there, not moving much. J.D. covered us both with his childhood baby blanket. Mars and I sat that way for maybe an hour.

J.D. and I had decided that the next morning we would take Marley to the Humane Society to be put to sleep. He seemed to be in pain the medication wasn't helping anymore. And the forced feedings had gotten to the point where it was clear it was just hard on him. He let us know his little body just couldn't do it anymore. So, we knew he was dying, but we thought his life would have to be ended at the Humane Society.

As difficult as it was, I'm glad it didn't happen that way. Marley was always so especially scared of going to the vet. I'm glad he didn't have to be frightened in his last moments. I'm glad I got to spend them holding, loving, and comforting him as best I could.

It was still hard and scary. At about 7:30 J.D. decided to see what we had for dinner-- not much. So he went to the store to buy whatever easy, quick thing he could find. While J.D. was gone, Marley started having convulsions. They were little spasms that terrified me. I tried so hard not to react and jump with each one, but I couldn't help it much. I just whispered to Mars: "Daddy will be home soon" over and over because I was really scared. I wanted J.D. to be there with me. I had Marley with his head on my arm. I was trying to wrap the blanket around him so he wouldn't be cold. He kept kicking out, so I just pet him and tried to hum something probably mostly to sooth myself. Soon J.D. came home again. He checked on us. Marley seemed to be doing better now. The spasms stopped. J.D. went to fix dinner. I kept petting my boy.

While J.D. was in the kitchen, Marley turned his head and looked up at me, looked right into my eyes. He held his face there. I told him "Oh, I love you Mars." Then I heard his breathing increase to heavy sighs, and it seemed all at once, his body went limp in my arms. I lifted his paw and it just fell. I said, "J.D. come here!" And we sat together and cried and pet him and told him how much he meant to us. I held Marley for over an hour. All doubt was gone. J.D. lifted him into his round blue kitty bed. I placed a small blanket over him and petals and flowers from my Valentine's roses.

Later that night I lit a candle and said a prayer as best I could over his body. I brought him in by my side of the bed, on the floor beside me, where he always liked to sleep. He stayed there beside me one last night.

The next day it was snowing. The big white flakes floated gently to the earth. The ground was covered. I remember the quiet blankness. We took him together to the Humane Society. It was a mercy he didn't feel any fear or any pain. I tied his favorite ribbon loosely with a note around his neck. It had his name and a note saying we loved him and asking to please take good care of him. J.D. arranged everything while I sat holding him. I gave his body a little kiss goodbye on his head, and the lady carried him away. J.D. hugged me as we walked back out into the snow.

Long Day

Love you Marley

Well, I guess the day started by watching Youth without Youth later than we should have. We started the movie around 10:00 or so. The best part of this movie was the buttered air popcorn we ate. We watched the entire film and at the end pretty much looked at each other and said, "What the hell?" Then I watched Francis Ford Coppola's commentary to see what it was that we both obviously missed. I confirmed that we didn't miss anything; the movie is just a large ball of mixed up quasi-philosophy that slowly rolls into oblivion and will take your two hours with it. J.D. said he couldn't believe I watched it with the commentary (even fast forwarding large chunks), and I joked: "I watched it twice to make sure it was bad." Yes, it's bad.

Then we proctored Saturday morning, reporting time 7:30. After telling kids named Damonica, Stardasha, Ulysses, and Leroy what to do and not do, we were out of there by 12:00. (Yay multiple choice, no writing).

Then it was off to the Halloween store for J.D.'s scary costume. He got a skull mask, which later effectively terrified the poor kitties. J.D.'s work is having a contest for best costume. Then we ate Chinese food. Then we went canvassing for the Obama campaign. We did that for three hours together. J.D. is really good at it. I am shy. I have a hard time knocking on strangers' doors, but I did it because I care so much about this election. I met some really nice people too. One man was from Iran; he moved his aging mother and father to the U.S. to escape the regime there. He told me he hadn't seen his father in 15 years, and when he did, he barely recognized him because of the stress from living there. His mother answered the door; she was very sweet. I felt bad because their dog ran out, but he was recovered by the son very quickly. Then at another house, the guy came to the door with money in his hand and said, "Oh, I thought you would have a pizza!"

Also, to end the day, my Beeb on http://www.stuffonmycat.com/ as submitted by Catherine.

2.20.08

Night and you lengthen yourself
out in a long curl, bend and sigh at my
light touch, breaking the heaviness
of dying.
At 7:43, our time, the moon
begins to wrap herself in Earth's shroud.
I pull the blanket tighter to your body.
You kick out.
Confinement isn't the point.
Inch-by-inch the inner shadow spreads.
Your breathing comes in sharp
notes-- gasps, rasps. My every nerve
shocks in response, although I fight

not to jump, I cannot stop.
The moon has entered her blood red phase.
She floats resplendent in blocked sunlight.
I try to think of a lullaby.
I sing disjointed, discolored sounds to you,
notes that carry, waver, and sink.
You turn and look up at me,
and I hear the last rush of your breath
escape into the eclipse.

Marley

Loved...

1. Playing bathtub. Letting the trickle of water run down his head and pool at the bottom, while he drank and played in it.

2. Licking plastic. Any plastic! Window blinds, plastic bags from the grocery store, plastic wrappers off new items. He always got excited when I would rustle some plastic, and he'd come running to play with it. I always supervised him though. Although, a couple of nights J.D. and I were woken by the sound of Mars finding and licking some piece of plastic in the bedroom. He was very creative and good at finding the smallest piece.

3. Bug hunting. He was my little bug-hunter. I'd see a bug and call "Marley!" He'd chase it down. He liked to go bug hunting in the stairwell. He also liked climbing up the stairs with me to go investigate the neighbors.

4. Checking the mail. I'd open the door and take out the Baker-deadbolt (a butter knife wedged in between the door and frame). I'd jingle the keys, and Mars would be there to go with me. He liked scratching the heck out of the doormat and going down the stairs to look for bugs while I got the mail. He would sometimes just hang out there.

5. Looking out the window. Mostly in the computer room, when I would be in there doing work, he'd always come join me. He liked to lay on the daybed, so I'd raise the blinds and let him watch squirrels climbing up and down the tree.

6. Lying on my lap, with his head on my arm. Marley would curl up and let me hold him like a little baby. He'd rest his head on my arm and purr. I'd stroke his belly and face (he was the only cat J.D. has seen that liked his face pet). He died while I was holding him in this way.

7. Sleeping beside me. Marley and I first became friends on the bed, when Catherine and Liz brought me my angel. I took him some catnip and played with him. He purred and seemed to like me right away. The next six years we spent together were very special. Over the years he would jump up and lay beside me in the bed for 15-20 minutes before I feel asleep. I would pet him, and then, when I got tired, he would jump down and sleep on the floor or in his kitty-bed beside me. The night he died, I placed him in his kitty-bed and he slept beside me one last time.

8. Waking me up in the mornings. Mars went through several phases of this, each one a little different. At first, he was very polite and would wait until I was wide awake before jumping up beside me. During a middle phase, he took it upon himself to come lie by my head and purr, so that he helped me wake up. (He really loved his wet food breakfast). The last phase, he would watch for me to show any sign or sound that I was beginning to wake, then he'd come snuggle beside me and let me gradually wake up.

9. Running to his food. Mars was very cute when he ran. His little jelly rolls would swing in the air. I remember when my brother Chad saw Mars run, he laughed because Marley's belly swayed side-to-side. J.D. liked to tease Mars by saying he had "bosoms." Marley was so fun to pet and hug, and I loved seeing him run. Sometimes I'd just run to the kitchen and back with him, for both our exercise. He'd watch for the slightest movement or indication on my part that I was going to move in that direction.

10. Riding in the rolling chairs. Mars liked when I pushed him slowly around the apartment in the computer chairs. Once he wasn't feeling well, (he had eaten a red toy feather by accident) and I placed him in one of the chairs to pet him. Since then, the chairs meant comfort and safety, and he enjoyed sitting in one next to me while I worked at the computer. He'd even let me roll him around as I moved from room to room. I also let him scratch those chairs (although not when J.D. was looking). He liked ripping them up a bit, just to make them more cozy and homey.

11. Jumping up by the computer. There was a time when Marley loved to come see what I was typing all the time. He would jump up beside the keyboard and watch me type. Or, if I moved the mouse, he would watch and paw at the moving arrow on the screen. He had fun getting pets while I was trying to be busy. It comforts me now to think that I always gave him some pets and never yelled at him for just trying to help out.

12. Lying on books and papers. If there were any important papers or books open, Mars would be attracted to them first, above all else including pillows or blankets. Somehow whatever papers or books I was reading were the ones he wanted too.

13. Coming to greet us. When we'd get home from anything, Mars would come see us. When I came home from school I'd call for him, and he'd be there. I enjoyed walking in and saying, "Marley, we're home."

14. Hanging out on my scrapbook cases. He co-opted my bags as his official hang-out. He liked sitting there because he could see what was happening in multiple rooms. He kept an eye on us. He also liked the blanket I put there for him.

15. Enjoying a midnight snack. After tucking me in at night, Mars would go get a final bedtime snack. I could hear him open the bedroom door with his paw, walk to his food, and munch on his dry food. Then I'd hear his paws and nails clicking on the hardwood floor as he came back to bed.

16. Following me everywhere. He liked to be near me. I'd go into a different room, and he'd come along. If I went into the bathroom without him, he'd wait by the door and scratch under it or meow for me to let him in. He just wanted to be where I was.

17. Scratching everything but his litter. Marley had a really funny tick. He liked scratching the HECK out of his litter box, including the walls, the ceiling, and the surrounding area. He worked so hard and never quite managed to cover what he needed.

18. Eating his catnip. He especially loved fresh catnip, before it had been opened. He would smell it and eagerly await the first taste. He had catnip at his scratching post. He liked rolling in it and then tearing up whatever was in his path.

19. Chasing my feet under the covers. He loved pouncing on anything that moved under the bedspread. I loved playing this game with Mars. But he only tried to get our hands or feet when we wanted to play, never by surprise attack. He was so good.

20. Going outside on the stairs with me. I like to sometimes sit outside and just watch the leaves or enjoy the weather. I would leave the screen door open and Mars would come join me. We'd sit together and listen to whatever was around us. If anyone came, he could run back inside. Marley, unlike Figaro, never tried to go too far from me.

21. Doing his jumping trick. Mars would jump up and pet his head against my hand. He went pretty high up in the air too!

22. Sticking his tongue out. Marley always had one little tooth poke out, a cute fang. But he would also often go around with the tip of his tongue sticking out.

23. Pawing at ribbons. Mars liked any string or ribbon. His favorite was the blue ribbon on my robe. I'd lay the robe on the bathroom floor and let him play with the ribbon while I took a bath. Then at other times, we'd just play with whatever ribbon or string was around. When we took his body to the vet, I cut the blue ribbon off my robe. J.D. and I wrote notes and placed them around Marley's neck to let anyone know who he was. They said we'd love him forever.

24. J.D. Mars had a good "daddy" who took care of him. Marley was also there for J.D. when we all lost Figaro.

25. Me. I really think Marley loved me most of all. There are very few people in this world who really, truly care about us. When we find another soul who does, we are extremely blessed, and it becomes a reason to be alive. I feel there's one less reason for me now in this world. In the end, our lives make only small differences, but I really mattered to Mars, and he mattered so much to me. I can't help but believe the world will always be better because it had the light of this strong, sweet, good little spirit named Marley.

I want to remember every detail about Marley. It pains me there will be no more new memories or adventures, but I cherish everything we had. He was more than a cat to me. He was my friend, my companion, my angel, my baby, my heart.

My Baby

Marley Beelow died in my arms at 8:30 tonight. We love you Mars. J.D. was there with me petting him. He took a couple of deep breaths and looked up at me.

Earlier in the day J.D. went to check the mail and Marley expended all his energy trying to make it to the door to go with him. He collapsed near the door with no energy left. He had such a strong, sweet spirit. It absolutely breaks my heart that he still wanted to go check the mail, even though he couldn't eat or drink today.

I think how lucky I was to have Mars in my life. I'm not sure what I'll do without him.

Goodbye Love. Your mommy loves you, forever my baby.

Easy to love

fleurs-de-mauvaise

Stayed up until 4:30 or some nonsense last night writing. Went to class 10:00. Marley is so skinny now. I feel every bone. I let him scratch the hell out of any chair he wants. What's stupid furniture? Yesterday he slept in the closet and only came out for food. Every other night when I've had to stay up and write he's been with me, just stayed with me, sat by me. Now he hurts. He doesn't know why he hurts. He doesn't deserve to hurt.

Love only

"Love only is replenishment of halves" -James Merrill

Mars is continuing to do ok. He finished his antibiotics last night, so that's good. We also found out about the biopsy. Evidently the type of cancer Marley has is vulnerable to chemotherapy. We haven't decided what to do though; we're still seeking information and opinions from the doctors. One concerned, kind veterinarian said 2 of her dogs had chemo; one reacted well and lived for several more years, while the other puppy got very sick. We're just taking it one step at a time and letting Mars recover from surgery for now. I'm grateful for each day.

Marley is very special to me. When J.D. has been at work every weekend and during the week often from 9:00 am to 11:30 pm, Marley has many days been my only companion. Overall the last six years of my life have been at times lonely and stressful, but I've always had Mars. He also had a difficult early life, which we can only really guess about, but I think it's safe to say it was not happy based on the fact he was abandoned by his original human (and still to this day is terrified of brooms, cleaning supplies, garbage cans, etc.). I've always wanted to make up for that and give him a safe place, where he knows he's loved. I thought recently about when I was in kindergarten and the teacher read Black Beauty to us, and I guess that's the sort of story Marley and I have had. When Marley came here I wanted him to feel "My troubles are all over, and I am at home."

I'm truly grateful everyday for the opportunity we've had to find each other.

Stay with us Mars

The last week has been rough, to say the least. Marley's prognosis is not good. My baby has cancer in his lymph nodes, left kidney, intestinal track, and liver. He had surgery yesterday to remove it, but they couldn't. The poor little guy was really disoriented when we got him home. He has a shaved belly now, and we have to give him a huge pill of antibiotics and an appetite stimulant. I keep apologizing for putting him through it, but it was really the best option for a possible long-term recovery. We had them do the biopsy while he was on the table, so we can decide what the next step will be.

On December 29 he was a healthy cat, although we were concerned he stopped eating the previous 2 days. J.D. and I thought for sure it was his teeth bothering him. Then suddenly, he was no longer a healthy kitty.

J.D. has been really supportive and helpful. I've seen again why I love him so much. He pet Marley for 7 hours with me last night. He loves him too. And I truly appreciate the love and support of friends and family and everyone else who also loves Marley. From my heart, thank you.

Marley

I needed a fun day yesterday and a distraction from work, so I went with J.D. to the Mills. He had a "Blood Bowl" game against someone, and I went scrapbooking. I have lots of pictures and projects I could finish, but it's more fun to do Marley pages right now. I printed out about 50 pictures too, mostly of Marley. When they were printing, a little boy (about 3) came up and enjoyed telling everyone what the pictures were. "Look Mommy, a kitty!" "Look, another one." "Another kitty." "Another one." "Another cat." "He's asleep." "He's awake." "He's mad." "Another one!" "Another kitty!"

Meanwhile, his little sister, about 2, kept saying "meow" to each cat picture.

Yes, I treat my cat like a child and make scrapbook pages of him. But in all fairness, Marley is a really special cat.

Kissed by a dog

Sometimes you feel blue, so the universe sends a big, fluffy dog to give you a slobbery kiss. On my way home a little, old lady said "hello," so I stopped to say "hi." When I did, her HUGE dog pounced on me, with his paws on my shoulders, giving me a giant kiss along the side of my face. I walked home laughing; it's good to be liked by dogs and children.

The lady also asked me if I had a dog. "No, I have a cat." --Do I ever. Here is Marley going crazy for some catnip. This is his aerobic exercise. He's kicking it with his back paws, trying to open the lid.

And here is Mars licking plastic, his favorite amusement.

Summation of the universe

Yes, Human?

Get back to me later when it's about food.

Mars

Airing himself out.

Just being cute.

Who's out there?

I See You!

Black bag, black shoes, black cat

Marley is sitting on my giant scrapbooking case. He loves sleeping on there. The other day, I had the cover open and he jumped inside it, to his great dismay.

Cutie

All my names for Marley

He should probably have an identity crisis with all the names I call him. Here are a few. (Warning some are seriously stupid). Mostly it's various combinations the same names and lots of "m" and "b" sounds; they just seem to fit with him.

Marley Beelow
Marlow Beelow Barlow
Marlow
Meelow
Beelow
Meeb
Beeb
Marlar
Barlow
Marlito
Me-beeb
Marmemo
Mars

Then for entertainment, we made a list of the names J.D. calls Marley. They are not so cute, but that's J.D.'s way of showing affection to him.

Marley
Fat boy
Tubby butt

Good Reading

The boys

At least he is not an evil genius.