Around 2:00 p.m., after twelve hours of active labor, I was exhausted. A nurse named Cynthia was worried for me and told me I really needed some sleep. Cynthia is the type of woman I imagine delivering babies in the 19th century. She was tough but kind; she seemed gruff and direct, but she really knew what she was doing. She told me she had delivered her daughter's children at home. I trusted her. She brought in a dose of stadol. I confided in her that I was nervous to take pain relief too soon. I had heard that stadol works for the first dose but becomes far less effective in subsequent doses. And I didn't want to get an epidural too soon if I had a long labor still ahead. Cynthia reassured me it would be ok and what I needed most in the world was a little relief now. I agreed.
Cynthia injected the drug into my IV, and I felt the cool liquid inching its way down the line. I pointed out its progress along my arm and wrist, into my hand. I began to feel sleepy and handed J.D. a quarter-eaten popsicle. Cynthia told me to not fight it, to drift off, to sleep. I felt my body relax. The tension and stress melted. I was completely at peace yet totally conscious. Everyone thought I was asleep, but I could hear and perceive the outside world (at least at first). After some time I went deeper into my own mind and started seeing bright colors and changing shapes, things that reminded me of coloring books from my childhood. I was gliding along in a half-dream world.
I eventually felt sensations I knew were my contractions, but the pain really didn't bother me. I was beyond it. I was tricking the pain-- deceiving it by relaxing through it, ignoring it. In this waking-dream state, one crucial thought came to me. I told myself: "No matter what, I'm leaving here with my baby." That moment of clarity at the depth of my consciousness gave me what I needed most. I knew it was true. Even if I did go through all this and still had to have a c-section, in the end everything would be ok. The pain relief had brought me sleep, but also hope.
While I had been resting, Cynthia had increased my pitocin to strength 18. Yet, I was still only dilated to 2-3 cm. I asked for another dose of stadol after three hours. It helped again but not as powerfully. Cynthia recommended that I get an epidural while the stadol was still in effect. So the anaesthesiologist came in with her cart and started prepping me. She had me sit up and dangle my legs over the side of the bed, leaning my back toward her and letting my head hang down. And most importantly, I had to hold completely still. But just as she was going to do it, she stopped and realized she needed my blood work done. Why on earth I thought didn't they do this before?! Apparently the blood work they did on December 1st was no longer valid since it was now December 3rd.
Eventually someone came to take my blood. I was told they would rush it since I couldn't have the epidural until it was approved. Nor could I get more pain relief until a full three hours from my last dose. By now the stadol had worn off, and I had an hour to go. My contractions were the strongest that the machine could register (a contraction monitor was now inside me. Jonathan even had a mark on his forehead where it scratched him). I've read that if you take pitocin you have stronger contractions than normal. Some sources say it's because your body doesn't produce its own natural adrenaline to keep up with the increasing pain as it would during normal labor. I believe it. I was in serious pain.
The thing about labor for me was that I didn't just feel pain in one focused area of my body; I felt the pain with my entire body. And I couldn't stand or walk or move to deal with it. I had to lie there strapped down. My mountain was 5:00-6:30 p.m.
The pain came in waves, washing over me. I would sense the swelling pain, gathering strength. Then it would move in, rush in-- peaking and overwhelming. My lungs filled with water, so I couldn't breathe. I would cling to the bars by the bed and try to suck air into my chest. Then eventually it would brake and pull away, slowly, slowly trailing off, flowing back to its source. And I knew just as it receded, I would soon have to go through it all over again. I tried to picture myself moving through the oncoming water. I tried (and sometimes succeeded) envisioning myself as the wave instead of the object of its force.
During this time J.D. watched the monitor and told me when I might feel the pain decreasing. Although there was a lag between the visual evidence he saw and my felt experience, his voice helped. Finally, finally around 6:30 the anaesthesiologist returned to give me an epidural. I wasn't worried about it; I just wanted the pain to stop. I leaned over again and pushed my back toward her, all the while trying to hold perfectly still. The contractions made that very difficult. And I still had my blood pressure monitor going off every ten minutes while she tried to stick a needle into my spine. At one point the blood pressure monitor went off during the height of a contraction and registered 197/116. After what seemed like forever, she got the needle in the right place, although it took her three attempts. In ten minutes I felt my body going numb. There was a strange, tingling coldness all the way up to my breasts. She said it was because she had to insert the needle so high. I also started shaking, which she said was normal. Anything was better than feeling the full force of my contractions.
A nurse checked my dilation. I prayed that I would be further along, at least to 4 or hopefully 5, something after those horrible contractions. The last time I was checked, I had still been at 2-3 cm. (They try not to check too often to avoid an infection). But now the nurse exclaimed: "You're fully dilated!" I was shocked. I didn't believe her. I wanted to, but I was afraid she might be wrong. I had jumped from 2-3 centimeters to 10!!! When the doctor came in to confirm it, I was so relieved and happy.
Now, after all this, we were finally ready to move on to the pushing stage of labor.
My three epidural stab marks. The highest one finally worked.
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