The arboretum at night

The moon is the closest it will be to us this year.

I kept looking out my window to see it tonight. Actually, it's the closest it will be to us ever again. Every year the moon moves 1.6 inches further away from the Earth. Eventually, it will take 47 days for a lunar cycle.

I went for a walk alone in the dark tonight. First, I took off my wedding ring and left it in a safe place. I walk more freely knowing there is nothing anyone could steal from me. I didn't have a penny, not my ID, not a single thing. I don't go walking at night often. Usually I follow the advice, wise advice, of staying snugly at home in the evenings. But, I don't like living in a way that fear overcomes freedom. After all, I'm the person who managed to navigate a marketplace in Istanbul on my own, so I figure I can handle a neighborhood street in U-City. Besides, the moon and stars were too gorgeous to see from a window.

During my walk, I realized something. I corrected an earlier misconception. When walking in the city, you are just as alone as in the country, the only difference is that you have less privacy. Still, the night was cold and clear, and the orange street lights made a little parkway of light for my echoing footsteps.

If you want to imagine you were there, this is what happens: You walk for about three blocks and then decide to walk no further. Instead, you just want to sit on a stranger's step and look at the way a certain tree's branches frame the moon. So, you sit down in front of someone else's apartment. Soon, you'll hear someone inside coughing. It's a female voice, and you're surprised how easy it is to unintentionally eavesdrop. We live with slender walls between us. Earlier, you walked by the apartment where the little squirrel with no tail hides. You didn't see him, but you thought about him and hoped he was warm. Then you turn to lunacy and ask the moon what's the point of it all? Why do we build houses and apartments? Why do we line streets with lamps? Why do we pave roads and drive cars? Why do we compete for things that are meaningless: money, status? Why do we begrudge good things to others or have to live in fear of being happy because others will feel jealous? Why do we misunderstand each other so thoroughly? Why do we think we control everything, anything? We plant trees in a row along the street and think we have control in our world. But we only have control over the things we can touch. And even those, we can only manipulate and alter so much. We're very good at the illusion of control. So, with control we establish Meaning. It means something because I can control it. It means This. My life means This because I have two kids and a nice house. My life means This because I have more money or a better job than Them. But looking up, there are things we can't control. Looking at the moon means we can't fashion our arboretum there, at least not yet. We're working on it. Still, the stars and moon, beyond most of our grasp, say you're not in control at all. You exist to just exist. You try to build your world so you won't see, but under all your artifice is the existence you cannot control away. Your best work would be to merely build yourself, but not with mortar or bricks, rather tend yourself: plant a tree in your soul. Even then, you won't find Meaning because ultimately you have to relinquish your hold. It's not a garden but a forest. Then you will see that This or That or Them are not meaning.

You had better just live this moment. Breathe the cold air into your lungs. Walk in the dark. Sit on a cold rock in the middle of a weedy patch of grass, in the middle of an urban terrarium with a million other ants burrowing inside the earth, carrying twigs. Or just stop. Maybe you had better just look at the moon because right now is the closest it's ever going to be.