This day and the next

There aren't many days when we remember exactly what happened a year ago. Today I remember.

A year ago this was my last day with Marley. In about an hour, a year ago, he died while I held him.

I was teaching that day. After class I had office hours. Then I talked with Jessica longer than I planned. We talked about Marley. I told her he was sick. Meanwhile, J.D. was trying to call the library, where I mentioned I would be, to get me to come home. Marley was getting worse. He was throwing up and couldn't control his bladder. I finally got to Special Collections, and they told me J.D. had called. I walked home as it got dark.

By the time I got home, Marley was relaxed on J.D.'s lap. J.D. was petting him.

Earlier J.D. had gone to check the mail, and Marley tried with all his heart to join him, but he collapsed, exhausted, near the door. J.D. said it made him cry. It was heartbreaking to see Marley fall down, wanting to go so much, having all that heart, but not the physical ability. He tried, even after all he had been through that day. He tried, even after all he had been through in the past month: the surgery, the cancer, the pills, and the forced feedings. Even then, he wanted to make us happy and do what he always did with us. That's the kind of sweet spirit that was my Marley.

Once I was home, J.D. got up and had me sit down in the big chair. He handed Mars to me, who just laid there, not moving much. J.D. covered us both with his childhood baby blanket. Mars and I sat that way for maybe an hour.

J.D. and I had decided that the next morning we would take Marley to the Humane Society to be put to sleep. He seemed to be in pain the medication wasn't helping anymore. And the forced feedings had gotten to the point where it was clear it was just hard on him. He let us know his little body just couldn't do it anymore. So, we knew he was dying, but we thought his life would have to be ended at the Humane Society.

As difficult as it was, I'm glad it didn't happen that way. Marley was always so especially scared of going to the vet. I'm glad he didn't have to be frightened in his last moments. I'm glad I got to spend them holding, loving, and comforting him as best I could.

It was still hard and scary. At about 7:30 J.D. decided to see what we had for dinner-- not much. So he went to the store to buy whatever easy, quick thing he could find. While J.D. was gone, Marley started having convulsions. They were little spasms that terrified me. I tried so hard not to react and jump with each one, but I couldn't help it much. I just whispered to Mars: "Daddy will be home soon" over and over because I was really scared. I wanted J.D. to be there with me. I had Marley with his head on my arm. I was trying to wrap the blanket around him so he wouldn't be cold. He kept kicking out, so I just pet him and tried to hum something probably mostly to sooth myself. Soon J.D. came home again. He checked on us. Marley seemed to be doing better now. The spasms stopped. J.D. went to fix dinner. I kept petting my boy.

While J.D. was in the kitchen, Marley turned his head and looked up at me, looked right into my eyes. He held his face there. I told him "Oh, I love you Mars." Then I heard his breathing increase to heavy sighs, and it seemed all at once, his body went limp in my arms. I lifted his paw and it just fell. I said, "J.D. come here!" And we sat together and cried and pet him and told him how much he meant to us. I held Marley for over an hour. All doubt was gone. J.D. lifted him into his round blue kitty bed. I placed a small blanket over him and petals and flowers from my Valentine's roses.

Later that night I lit a candle and said a prayer as best I could over his body. I brought him in by my side of the bed, on the floor beside me, where he always liked to sleep. He stayed there beside me one last night.

The next day it was snowing. The big white flakes floated gently to the earth. The ground was covered. I remember the quiet blankness. We took him together to the Humane Society. It was a mercy he didn't feel any fear or any pain. I tied his favorite ribbon loosely with a note around his neck. It had his name and a note saying we loved him and asking to please take good care of him. J.D. arranged everything while I sat holding him. I gave his body a little kiss goodbye on his head, and the lady carried him away. J.D. hugged me as we walked back out into the snow.